Friday 24 February 2012

100 word free write contest

Fear clawed inside me, and I felt nauseous. My head was spinning, and I wanted desperately to run, but I forced myself to stay. For a delusional moment, I almost convinced myself to flee, and I caught my eyes darting around frantically, searching for escape.
But there was none. Guards stood watchful at exits. I would have been caught immediately, and killed on spot.   
The group of slaves ahead of me grew thinner. Terror bit at the back of my throat, threatening to overwhelm me.
And time moved faster. I was next.
Inside, the lion roared. And everything went black.

__________________________________________________________________________________

For more information, check out this link. However, I'll post out the rules:

Your 100 words should read like the opening of a novel. That means you have just 100 words to hook this round's judges - Christa Allan and Betsy St. Amant - into your story world. It also means you have the opportunity to get feedback from published authors on the opening of your manuscript, which is a pretty awesome.

If you have entered a Go Teen Writers free write contest before, you may NOT resubmit a previous entry.

Your entries are due on Monday, February 27th by 11:59pm Kansas City time. You may email it to me at Stephanie(at)GoTeenWriters.com. Include your name as you would want it to appear on the website, and no attachments please!
The contest is for those age 21 and under. One entry per person please.

Sunday 19 February 2012

First Campaigner Challenge!!!

Shadows crept across the wall. 
 A cold shiver ran down my spine, and I shuddered involuntarily. Unconsciously, my hands clutched my teddy tighter, and I fearfully snuggled up to him for courage, my movement painstakingly slow for fear that unseen monsters which were making these shadows sprang upon me once they sensed me through my fear founded erratic movements.
They seemed to grow larger. Like a vortex sucking the bits and pieces of darkness from the night into them.
My heartbeat fluttered ever more wildly. Suddenly, I found it very hard to breathe. I was terrified, and began to panic. My body was attacked by uncontrolled spasms, and I began to fidget under my blanket.
At this point, an orange light suddenly came on, shining brightly into my eyes. My vision went white, and my fear was so great that it began to suffocate me. I couldn’t breathe. My terror was complete.
“Charlie? Are you all right?” A pair of emerald eyes stared into mine, shone with alarm and concern.
It was Mom. My relief was immense.
Her warm hand found mine, and I was comforted. As I spiralled into deep slumber, she switched off the light, and everything faded.
________________________________________________________________________________________

For those of you who're interested to know more about this challenge, chack out this link. For future activities/challenges, check out this link. For information about the campaign, check out this link.
Please note: Unfortunately, it is only open for those who'd signed up for the campaign, but the campaign are held again later this year.

These are the rules of the challenge:

Write a short story/flash fiction story in 200 words or less, excluding the title. It can be in any format, including a poem. Begin the story with the words, “Shadows crept across the wall”. These five words will be included in the word count. 
If you want to give yourself an added challenge (optional), do one or more of these:
  • end the story with the words: "everything faded." (also included in the word count)
  • include the word "orange" in the story
  • write in the same genre you normally write
  • make your story 200 words exactly!
If you'd like my entry, feel free to head over to Rach's blog to 'like' me. I'm entry no.2! Thanks!

I'm tagged! AGAIN!

Could you believe it?! I'm tagged again just after being tagged! (Does that make sense? Never mind.) Thanks Laurie! Don't feel sorry; it make up as a homework(updating blog), and easier too(don't have to brainstorm for topics anymore, lol). So thanks(no, really)!

A short note: After this post, there's one for the tag, Vikki! I'm doing it in different post...

Ok, back to it.

1. What kind of music (if any) do you listen to while writing?
No music. My 'music' is the feverish excitement contained inside me when I write...
2. Do you rush right out to see the movies adapted from books you love, or do you avoid them?
Didn't matter. Though, Harry Potter and Eragon taught me to watch a movie before reading, while Lord of the Rings taught me to watch the movie first.
3. Pick five fictional characters you’d love to have over to your house for dinner.
It had be too intimidating. I would worry a lot...so, no?
4. Do you have any pets?
No. I try to shirk responsibility whenever able...=(
5. What foods would you pick for your last meal?
The food that I loved most. I love to keep the lovely taste lingering in my mouth after meals.
6. Name the number one person who would make you faint if he/she commented on your blog or tweeted you on Twitter. (Can be a celebrity, author, or anyone else, but it has to be a real, living person.)
There's no particular person. Even you can make me feel estatic!(I don't faint easily; I only faint when i'm sick.) I believe everyone is important no matter who they are, and everyone's equal.
7. What’s the last song you listened to?
Oops...I don't really remember...
8. If you could pick one book that all teenagers would have to read in high school, what would it be?
Will tell you later...I can't exactly pinpoint it right now...
9. Which fictional character is most like ‘real-life’ you?
William in Goodnight, Mister Tom.
10. Do you believe in love at first sight?
When I did(fall in love at first sight), I'll inform you!
11. You can only pick one book to read over and over for the rest of your life. What would it be?Oh no!!!! Don't do this...I can't do it...Pass...?

Due to time factor, I'll not be able to tag others...So, I hope you don't mind that I break the rules...sorry!

I'm tagged!

Thank you Vikki! For tagging me. Though, very unfortunately, I'm only able to do post about it now, as I've been busy lately...And I'm going to be for quite a period of time, so it's going to be tough for me for a while to keep up this blog...but never fear! I loved blogging too much to give it up!(Could you believe it?! While everyone's crazy about facebook and ipod, I'm obssessing about blog!!! And only recently too, since I just sign up for it last year...Talk about weird?!) So...you'll all have to bear with me for the time being...until I get my footing back! Hope you don't mind.

Just a short note before I continue...Thank you everyone! All of my followers!(I'm a bit rushed right now...so I couldn't type out all the names. But I will soon. When I get some time! It's not a bother! Coz you're all awesome!) Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

Ok. So onward to my post(answering question).

1. What thing have you written that you’re most proud of?
Nothing. Ok.  I did write something. All in progress.
??? Wondering? Well, how can you say you're most proud of something you wrote, when you only like bits and parts of it?! Yup, I'm my own worst critic...The problem is I think most part of why I never like the stuff I write is because I'm tired of it all. Too much editing...(But how else can I perfect it?!) Aha! Beta readers/critique partners. Vikki...? No pressure.
2. What are you working on at the moment?
Nothing. Just my blog...oh wait. Not even my blog. I'm busy adjusting to uni life...and eventually my boring and busy studies. Perhaps there's time for something exciting like blogging/reading...?
3. Where would you like to see yourself in 5 years time?
Sadly, I'm a gal who never had that foresight/planning? I want to be successful. Does that say something/answer that question? Unfortunately to my parents, no.
4. You buy an old lamp, whilst cleaning it a genie appears…you know the rest lol. Your 3 wishes are?
Happy and lucky?! I think that's a lot of a job for that genie.
5. List 2 of your bad habits? Come on, we all have some.
Lazy. And very unmotivated. (That's why works are always labelled WIP!!!)
6. If you were a superhero, what special power would you have?
Teleportation. Imagine being able to travel around the world without any costs...tempting.
7. Tell us the name of one of your characters, one you really like?
Argh. I can't. There's too many. =/ And I don't do favouritism. Lest I hurt their(the characters) feelings.
8. What scares you?
Paranormal. I don't like to feel out of control.
9. Sum up your personality in 3 words?
Boringly imaginatively clumsy?! Does that make sense?!
10. Name 2 of your vices?
???
11. Do you have a pet peeve/hate? What is it?
My mom always told me, that hate is a very strong word. Never use it. So no.

Due to the time factor, I'll not be able to tag others, so I'll have to break the rules...sorry!

Wednesday 15 February 2012

Forgotten Tears

I used to cry.
A lot.
"Crying is bad.
Crying is weak.
Never cry", they say.
And so, I buried
my tears
deep in my heart,
at the back of my mind.
Till I forgot,
and they forgot.
For a moment, I blindly thought,
I was happy
to have no tears.
While in truth,
it was only forgotten
buried too deep.
When finally
it bursts out
like a broken dam.
Like a heavy rain, pelting in relief,
after a long, hot, dry summer.
Deep inside,
I fervently wish
that my tears
will never again
be buried,
or worse, forgotten.
But,
finally,
truly unnecessary.

p/s. Ugh! Sorree...it's a very amateurish poem, but well! I'm in a hurry. I'm going to be pretty busy later, so this might be the last you see me...In the meantime though, I'll try my best to post as much as I can...Anyway, hope you'll enjoy this not-veryy-good poem!

Tuesday 14 February 2012

It's Valentine's...

...Happy Valentine's!

As a celebration, and also a tribute to the Fourth Writers' Platform-Building Campaign, I've written a poem, also to show my gratitude to Rachael as the host, and other participating bloggers:

This year's Valentine's...

This year's Valentine's
is so special a time,
till I couldn't wait
to stake my claim
in this year's blogging campaign
Though I will stay
very much single
and lonely indeed.
But, in my heart, I know
I have found a home,
a place I belong,
finally
in this blogging community.
Thank you everyone
for such a superb Valentine's day!

Thank you everyone and Happy Valentine's Day! Once again, special thanks to Rachael for hosting this campaign, and to all of those bloggers participating, all of whom, had made my blogging journey an enjoyable one! THANK YOU!
  

Sunday 12 February 2012

R.I.P. Whitney Houston

"Whitney Houston found dead at 48."
The headline screamed at me on Yahoo homepage the firat thing yesterday.(Sorry, I only write about it know; I'd been listening to the radio all day, playing all her songs, in tribute.)
The feeling that hit me was alarmingly familiar.
It was how I felt when the news announced Micheal Jackson's death. (Though, MJ's death probably hit me harder; I thought some people were playing a prank. I couldn't believe my eyes when I read about the news announced officially on tv. Anyway, this post isn't about MJ, it's about Whitney Houston, so scrap that.)
It was a mixed feeling of emptiness, shock and sorrow.
Yet, it wasn't a strong, powerful sorrow; just a subtle, but resonating sadness (and emptiness) that another great legendary singer was gone. No more powerful, inspiring songs to make a difference in our lives again.
Shock, because it's seem unbelievable that she would leave like that. So abruptly. No goodbyes. No grand finale that you seem to automatically associated it with legendary singers. (Or was it just me?).
Somehow, it still felt like she's still there, as I listened to her songs. Like somehow, she's not ready to leave just yet. Perhaps the after-effects of the electronic media, that immortalized her.
But it's kinda true. She's not leaving. She has lived on, through her songs. She has immortalized, because of her songs.
It led me thinking.
It's strange somehow that these works of art(songs, stories, drawings, pictures; books, movies, arts, phootgraphs, videos, etc.) has the power of immortalizing. It seems strange that we, as the creators of these works of art, lived on through our works. Our characters, stories, resonate and live on...and so do we. We are recognized, acknowledged, appreciated, and remembered, because of them.
We have immortalized.
Perhaps even more so, through the rapid development and progress marked by the electronic medias.
I felt strangely fulfilled, when I know that someone would still read my blog, my works, long after I'm gone. Like Beethoven, Mozart, Shakespeare(he too, agreed and acknowledged the power of immortalization yield by works of art, through his Sonnet 18), and more recent ones like Roald Dahl and MJ.
I'm sure Whitney Houston must have felt the same too, up there.
Both MJ and Whitney Houston, no matter the negative news that surround them(drug abuse, child molestation), they have created history, waves of revolution, across the globe, despite different ages, genders, and races. And...we remember them. All of us.
So, fellas, let's inspire others, through ours.
Let's rock it, peeps!

Saturday 11 February 2012

Fourth Writers' Platform-Building Campaign

Hey, anyone who's reading this post.


 I've just joined the Fourth Writers' Platform-Building Campaign on Rachael's blog. I stumbled upon it through Nick's blog. (lol; I probably shouldn't blog about it like I've known them real long, but well...I'm going to be their friend sooner or later, right?)
As you had probably guess by now, this campaign is a great way to draw online connections between unpublished writers and bloggers. It serves to build a platform for those who had wished they could get better writing skills(like me!) or hope that they could published(that's right...? Oh well, I'm kinda confused; this's a really rushed post!)...I mean, you could probably meet future editors and agents there. That's a way to get published, right? Like in the future...
Okay, I've gotta be serious now. Anyway, join it. It's a great way to make new friends, and more new friends! This whole campaign is going to be flooded with writers! And bloggers, of course. You probably could get an extra follower or two(guilty as sin =S)...
You've gotta join it. But, no pressure.
Join it or not, have a nice day! =)

What's Love?

Aha! I am totally aware that Valentine's coming around, so as a celebration(unfortunately, it's a celebration from a single, and whose going to stay pretty much so for the next few years...), I thought of writing this post. Ummm...I'm aware it's probably an early one. Very.
And yup, I'm aware that the title above happens to be part of the chorus of the song by Tina Turner. Don't even think of asking me what song is that, because:
1. I've forgotten. I've a bad memory.
2. If you don't know who's Tina Turner or even what songs did she sang, then, you shouldn't be in my world, and this blog at all(sorry if I'm harsh). Hey, I'm the girl who hailes from Jurrassic. And isn't Tina Turner categorized under a very much famous singer. So you definitely should know her, whether or not you're the oldies...
Okay enough of this nonsense.
The truth: I get around to write this post because of a book I've read. Yes, again. I think you should have realized by now that everything I've written here is the result of anything that I could have get my hands on. Or more accurately, laid my eyes on.
So...I read True by Micheal Cordy.
Here's a picture of it:

This book really resonates with me. It questions the way you think of love. Suffice to say, you'll never look at love the same way again.
Whether you're a person who think you've found the one in your life, or a person who think love is fickle, once you read this book, you'll once again question your own firm standings, views or perspectives you'd had of love, that you miught have often had doubts about that you aren't conscious of, because you'd buried it too deep in order to buried your doubts.
These are the thoughts that it had invoked in me:
Why fall in love? Why not fall in love? To not be under love's spell, you can protect yourself...or is that even true? Is to be loved, is the greatest gift you can get? Is to love, the greatest gift you can give? Could you possibly be happier? Could the happiness be short-lived? Does being loved or to love brings more satisfaction and fulfilment?
Does love weakens one, or brings strength to one? Is love a disease to be eradicated or even manipulated to one's on means? Or is love a blessing, that marks the meaning of humanity itself?
And how does one ensure that everyone in love relationships, would stay true to the ethical guidelines...?
I hate to ruin everyone's great plans for Valentines Day, and worse, even ruin the big day for you all...But, sometimes, it's good to have these sentiments on that meaningful day too...It makes you realize that love is not just love, not just a feel good feeling, but something more...They could teach you to not take love for granted and learn to appreciate your loved ones more...
And most of all, it might give your typical annual Valentine's Day a little more something special...
In truth, whether the love in question turns out to be good or evil, it's the humans who're in charge, who make them so. It's up to you. 
Finally, on a different note, wish y'all a Happy Be-early-ed Valentines Day!!!!!!!! 

Wednesday 8 February 2012

About Teen Writing

This post has been taking an exceptionally long time for me to write. Not because it was hard to write or me being just plain lazy...but I could never harden my resolve to write it. Because...I was afraid. Afraid that I'm not good enough, wouldn't do a good enough justice for my category of peeps--teens. (Okay, maybe a part of it was because I procastinate too.)
I am afraid of the jeering, the booing, the ultimate put-down I would have had to face once I published this post. I might cause a big humiliation to teens, just because I did a bad job in writing this post. But, in the end, I couldn't refrain myself. It was just too tempting.
Okay, enough of this vague, self-explanatory, wallowing in self-pity, and desperate attempt of garnering some sympathy piece of speech. I guess I kinda left you a cliff-hanger long enough. (Sorry, my bad; I love rambling...)
What started this post was my reading that post. 'Coz that post actually contain really good advice. But (a really BIG BUT), I certainly do not think that teen writing sucks. I'm still treading those troubled waters real cautious; the author John Scalzi, had written another post, of which logically and analytically (even to the extent of writing another post to that) rebuked any arguments that could have laid down by teenagers. While I agree to some of them, I do still have my own stand about the overall of the statement that teen writing sucks.
I'm not going to list all the successful published teenage writers, but rather explain why I think that teen writing do not suck.
Let's set aside the aspects of grammar(I agree with John Scalzi on this), because people don't always read because of amazing language and grammars, but rather because of the stories. Of course, those are important to enjoy a good story, so this not-so-good piece of argument can only be applied on the basis of those teens I'm helping to fight for our rights have good enough grammar.
John Scalzi stated that because we're young, we lack of the experiences to make our writing interesting, or powerfully thought-provoking/heart-warming/inspiring etc. I do agree, BUT, our experiences, sometimes, can be compelling enough. Being teenagers, we're emotionally unique from the younger ones to adults. We're full of angst, emotionally driven, thanks to our hormones, which can be a good thing, 'coz it provides a different perspective, and evoke a different feeling that could not have otherwise be experienced through an adult writing.
Oh, come on, no adults could totally write like a teen anymore. Yes, you can say that they can remember their teenagehood, and as John Scalzi had rightly argued, humans remain pretty much the same across the years. But, things are different through the years, and these do affect the coming generations(behaviour, feeling, emotions, thinking etc.), if not directly, then indirectly.
Having said that adults do remember their experiences and feelings during their teenage years, they could not still completely understand today's teenagers. For reason above(proof: My parents always reprimand me that when they were my age, they didn't do things my way, which is wrong; teenagers from different eras cannot possibly have the same thinking.) and also because of this: As you grow older, you gain more wisdom, a wider perspective about certain things, through your experinces. Hence, you create an awareness in you. For example, you would realize that some things you did during your teens are ridiculous and stupid. These insights you'll carry it through your life. As a result, these will help you control your temper, your angst, and help tune it down. Hence, no adult could completely convince themselves to think like a teen anymore, to behave like a teen, and of course, to write like a teen(for parts where they behave stupidly). Thus, no adults could project that kind of angst, emotion, feeling accurately in their writing. You could probably argue that, hey, there are a lot of successful YA authors who are adults. Yes, personally, I do enjoy them, and I think they were simply awesomw authors. But, somehow, their writing will always be distinguishable from teen writing.
Not because teen writing sucks. But, because, teens write merely differently, uniquely, and specially from adults. And, I sincerely believe, teens would be able to identify with it more.
The conclusion is, teen writing could serve as a fresh perspective for other readers(there's too many adult writers, in my opinion). Teen writing could probably even provoke a sense of nostalgia in adult readers...As long as these teen writers have a good story to write about, a good enough grammar, and knew how to invoke their voice and insights in their writing, they wouldn't suck. And there are quite a number of them in the blogging community, if you truly search for them...That's why teen writers like Steph Bowe and Christopher Paolini ends up so successful. (sorry about this, I'm aware that I'd promise not to include them, but i couldn't help it...)
This is why I don't think teen writing sucks. In fact, I think they could probably add a whole new, unique, special and fresh flavour into the writing community.
And for these very reasons, though I might lack the wittiness, the allure, the compelling attraction, the sophistication of an adult writer or adult blogger, but I'm proud that I'm a teen. I'm proud that I'm special because of it. And my writing certainly do not suck.
I do not suck. And you, teens, certainly do NOT suck!

Sunday 5 February 2012

About Tiger Mother

Yesterday's article on the newspaper, "Tiger Mother vs Tiger Mum", caught my eye.
I read it.
It gives the short account of Amy Chua's(the Tiger Mother) life, from another American mother's perspective. It tells of how Amy Chua ruined her life after publishing a book about her strict (and horrifying, to a lot of people) parenting style. Mostly, it talks about the understanding of another parent towards Amy Chua of her efforts.
Yeah, you probably could guess it by now that I'm not going to be one of those who're going to send hate mails to Amy Chua. (No? Well, you know now.)
You probably wonder why I would do such a thing. Especially being a child to a pair of Asian parents as well.
Before I continue, I should make it clear that my mom is no Amy Chua. That's probably why I'm not even made up of half of what's Amy Chua's daughters made of.
Then why?
Amy Chua said, "schools are always trying to make learning fun by having parents do all the work", which I totally agree.
While I'm not going to be efficient, intelligent, interesting, witty, competitive, ambitious, and charismatic, I'm still able to hold my own somewhat, despite it all, because of my mom. I am who I am today, because of my mom. And I must say, I'm quite satisfied, with the exception of occasional improvements here and there. Nobody's going to be totally and forever proud of themselves; that's why there's always room for improvement. So...I'm not proud, and not completely satisfied, but I guess, I'm still good to go, at this stage. Anyway, as I had said earlier, there's always room for improvement, and time of course.
And because of my mom, I could understand Amy Chua.
Her efforts was for the sake of her children. Everything she did, she wanted the best for her children. For such those noble sacrifices that she made...how horrifying could they be?
As a child, I understand and appreciate my mom's efforts.
And therefore, I respect and salute to Amy Chua, the Tiger Mom.   

Saturday 4 February 2012

Does lying really save lives?

I read Lying Saves Lives by ElizabethFluorishinginProgress ages ago.
You gotta be wondering, So what are you doing writing a post that's evidently a kinda sequel to that?
If you didn't know better yet, I have a slow brain. It just occurs to me that I could add a little something (for this case, it's my not-even-a-penny-worth of opinion; sad, I know, but what can I do?) to it. If it even needs one in the first place.
You see, if I'm even in the right mind, I wouldn't have the guts to do what I'm doing right now? Who the hell do I think I am, an unpublished writer, that I can do a better job than a published writer? But, I'm very much clear-headed. The only explanation is that, either I'm bored or desperate or both.
I'm bored because I've nothing to do (either reading or blogging; the downside of blogging is that its activities are slow as snails). I'm desperate because I need to do my homework(blogging) right now, because I can predict, in near future, I'll be to busy to do it anymore, so this's a small compensation to my dear readers for it.
Back to topic.
It suddenly striked me, for no reason at all, that the lying meant, could also be applied on the lying that we humans almost always do to blind ourselves to the reality. (Okay, I'm lying; there's a reason for these sentiments, it's because of the movie again. Remember, the movie?)
First, let me give you a short recap of the another part of the story that I did not give you in my earlier post.
There was a bitter rivalry between two movie stars. As usual, there's one good guy and one bad guy. Or girls for that matter. Well, the bad guy, or girl, kept thinking of tricks to stamp out the good girl. In her one last attempt, she got herself burnt instead (when she had wanted to burn the good girl to death). It was her acts that had end herself up into such a situation, but, in the end, she made herself believe that it was the good girl who had want to burn her. And, as a result of her hatred, fury and bitterness, she went almost crazy, and shot the good girl to death. She herself ended up in prison, and perhaps the loony bin. Finally, I don't think she was ever released from her own cycle of pain, suffering and hatred that she had trapped herself inside. The good girl might have died, but she was happy and peaceful. But the bad girl? Who was the victorious one in the end? Who had the last laugh?
In the end, it was ironic.
It was horrifying that we humans could lie to ourselves like that.
I finally understand that why they say, our worst enemy is ourselves.
For all we can say or accuse of, nobody could trapped us in unhappiness, if we choose not too. In truth, we are the ones who trapped ourselves.
We are the ones who determine our happiness.
Don't be narrow-minded; never trapped yourselves.
And be happy.

Wednesday 1 February 2012

Self-Revolution

This morning, I was flipping through other people's blogs as usual, albeit being somewhat irritated and guilty.
My sister and me were the last two person who were finishing the bananas, and had a squabble on who should cleaned the plate.
Yeah, I know that being so old now, I should have acted more mature, and not get worked up at such petty things like that, but...I was blogging and couldn't bear to get away from it just to clean a plate.
My sister (who can be an opportunist sometimes), with the excuse of having homework (and I don't), locked herself up in a bedroom, leaving me fuming. And I, who can be stubborn mule sometimes, was certain without a doubt that my sister was the last one who finished the bananas, so therefore be the one who cleaned up, and refused to remove myself from my seat, with my eyes still stubbornly glued to the screen.
It was like old times again.
My mom, at that point, was arranging something, when in a hurry, instead scattered everything onto the floor. As a result, she had to bent her already fatigued body, to pick them up.
My guilt escalated.
At that point, quite suddenly, it dawned on me that, eventhough I had refused to clean up the plate just to get back at my sister, it wasn't so, because all I had done in the end, hurt my mom instead.
Mom was the one who suffered instead.
What I hadn't understood then (when I was young), I understand now.
My pettiness, and the wrong thinking that somehow I can get back at my sister through my pettiness, my distorted concept of "justice"/"retribution", instead trapped me, my sister and mother (the most innocent victim) into suffering, unhappiness, and more anger and hate.
But when I finally did cleaned the plate (honest), and helped my mom to clear the scattered things up, a sense of tranquility and calmness settled over me, that I've never felt before, and came only through my understanding.
And I am truly happy.
That's why I decided to write this post. To share with you all.
I'm now on the path of forgiveness, joy, and self-fufilment.
I'm on the road to a bright future, and perhaps success.
I'm on the route of self-discovery, and self-evolutionto a better person.
I'm self-revoluting.
And I am happy.