Thursday, 28 July 2011

Confessions: My 'Dr. Jekyll' vs. 'Mr. Hyde'

I hope I don't freak anyone out by saying this: I think I have DID ( Dissociative Identity Disorder)! Ok, maybe I'm over-exaggerating...everyone's supposed to good guy and a bad guy in their inner mind, right? Meaning, whenever there's a dilemma (espescially those that really test your morality), you get torn between making the right choice, that is being a saint, or, protecting your own self-interests (that is to put it more nicely of the fact that you're just plain selfish!). Yes? No?! Please don't freak me out in turn!

Honestly, (this is a confessing session, after all), I do. Feel like being selfish, being mean, I mean. ( Don't be terrified; it's not a psycho disorder DID--I was just blowing up the whole thing to pull your leg!!!). In fact, not feel LIKE, BUT, did it in the end! *Gasp*

It IS inborn in everyone of us (I am not being defensive!). Well, maybe not, I can control it if I want, but, there were times that I just don't want to. I'm not blaming anyone of accusing's just I seem to feel that everyone will be trying to take advantage of me once I'm being a saint; I'm supposed to do these, do that; their responsibilities became my responsibilities and I AM TIRED OF THAT!

Though I confess that I, sometimes, too, take advantage of others. To relieve myself of the guilt, I like to think: an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But, that's not true, because I'm punishing all the wrong people...all the nice, nice people...Yes, YES, I RaeAnn have NO GUTS; no 'backbone' (or so they that even right? Too late, it IS right now), and cowardly as a chicken! zodiac sign happens to be a wonder; it's an understatement, alright!

In fact, right here, right now, I am going to share with you a very shameful story of me. I know that this blog probably won't change or help anything and she's probably even isn't there, but, this an attempt to redeem, to apologize and so if you're there...I'm sorry. Sorry. Very, very sorry.

(In fact, I'm so bad that I don't even know her name!) I'm so sorry. And I'm barely even seven, eight? that time. Here goes: I was in a tuition class and I guess I was quite popular in a way because of doing well there and thus being the teacher's pet. Most people wants to sit with me. There was this girl ( who I don't know her name! I will call her Andrea here.) She was very bubbly, friendly and eager to make friends with me. And I, I! a small child, could even know how to discriminate someone! She is of a different race from mine, and she's darker, and not too beautiful, and so I wasn't very keen to sit with her. However, I do not know how to reject her ( Thank God!) and so, I very reluctantly sat with her. And then, comes a beautiful girl of the name Nadia, who also wants to sit with me. I was overjoyed and I agreed enthusiastically. Unfortunately, there was not much space, and she had to squeeze into a real tiny spot, which made things uncomfortable. And so Andrea chided Nadia for that.

Andrea: Hey, go find another place!
Nadia: Who says? RaeAnn here doesn't mind!
Andrea: (an evil eye)
Nadia: What?! What right have you got? Don't forget, RaeAnn wants me here! Her parents are fighting cocks, so don't you dare cross her. She said it's ok then it's ok.

(Shamefully) I nodded my head. Vigorously. I wanted Nadia to sit beside me so much. I could see the hurt and dejection in Andrea's eyes, which immediately made me feel guilty, but I still stuck with my choice anyway.

There you go. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. What's done, done, and my apology probably can't release her from the grudge. Yet, there's nothing I can do but apologized.

What about you guys? Here's the time for redemption. Please share with me your wrongdoings. Confess it. Apologize for it. Let us be released from our guilt. Maybe not totally, but, somehow a little bit. Go on. I support you!

(p/s: Here again I sincerely apologized to my wrongdoing in the past, if you're even there. I'm sorry. Will you accept my apology? Please do, don't crush me literally! If you can't, I understand but I REALLY hope you that I know that I can have second chance...that I don't have to be trapped in this guilt anymore. Seriously.)

Tuesday, 26 July 2011

Why did it happened?

Norway  Attacks

The news, that shock the whole world to its core.

Reading that, all I could do was to sit there, all numb, staring into the space. Cold. Emotionless. Blank. I did not know what to think, what to feel. Ok, I did; there was and still is only one word in my mind. Why? Why?! WHY?!

68 people. 68 young people. All of them active , strong, healthy, with a passion burning strong in their heart. They have dreams, ambitions, goals to achieve; they have hope, ideas, thoughts to contribute to the society; all gone, gone, in the form of bullets. All gone in the instant when that spark of their life ended.

According to Norwegian laws, the killer would probably only sat in the prison for 30+ years. But is that enough? Will the pain and anguish of their parents be truly appeased?

Not long ago, I had supported and agreed to the Norwegian laws; to heal, to amend, to redeem rather than to punish. But now, I'm not so sure. Sure, we wanted him to pay for everything he had done, to punish him, but, does it make a difference? Will the dead be resurrected? Will the pain be truly and completely assuaged? I'm sure all of you are more aware of it than you are prepared to admit. And yet, to let him go, just like this, doesn't feel right. It does not give that warning, that exhortion that might, perhaps, stop future happenings of this kind. It does not avenge the dead.

And what happens after this? No one knows; emptiness, perhaps. Life's uncertain, and we should appreciate it while it is still in our grasps. There's nothing much we can do, but pay our condolences, pay our tributes and commemorations in memory of the dead. Let us pray for them, and continue to strive for our lives and dreams, just as they had when living and still wanting. Let us do whatever we can to contribute to the society and show to the world the power of youths.


Monday, 25 July 2011


Since I was born, I had been and still am a bookish sort of person. It was only recently that I had started to be exposed to all this new technology (so they are called) or to be more precise, had only started to 'pay some attention' to this new rages.

Don't get me wrong; I DO use the computer occasionally when I had to pass up assignments, or slide shows to prepare for presentations. In short, I knew how to type, albeit slowly; know how to control the mouse in real slow motion; know how to utilise the Microsoft Word, and Microsoft Powerpoint; besides knowing how to search for information available on the internet, though I often suffered the long, tiring hours of surfing the Net.

When school activities forced me to open an email account, and then a facebook account, (in order to prevent myself from being at the mercy of others to know when there is an activity, which could be inconvenient), I had a very much contradicting reaction/feelings towards them.

There had always been a love-hate relationship between me and my computer; I need it to finish my assignments, and not to mention, it does speed up my work a LOT...yet, there's a 'BUT' hanging in the air...when it goes into an override or a total blackout, all hell broke lose.Is it still any wonder I hate yet love my computer?

The email account was pretty much nothing as there are never anyone who would email me sweet let...ahem emails, and then again, BUT, I find it very convenient to save any unfinished work as drafts whenever I forgot my pendrive. To my utmost delight, I never had to worry about losing my pendrive. Facebook was another thing altogether. It is all very fine to receive latest news or even gossips from all your friends with just a click; however, I find myself attracted to facebook for a very different reason ( I hope you don't think I'm weird)--I simply LOVE the chatting session. Yup, that's right! You see, before I truly discover the real, true power in blogging, I found facebook first, which I realised gave me a space to finally WRITE (yup, WRITE, not VOICE) my thoughts out. Being face to face talking with someone wasn't fun for me; I don't seem to be able to find the same confidence in talking than I can in writing.

Unfortunately, in facebook, you're suppose to be brief, and as you can see now of my blog, I CAN be long-winded, and sometimes too much, and so I decided to try out blogging instead. The rest was history.

I still can't made up my mind about these new technologies ( though I really LOVE blogging), but, I certainly know I don't hate them! They are convenient after all, and you have to give them that credit!

So, what about you?

Sunday, 24 July 2011

Random Thoughts

And so I was staring at the screen for ages, with my mind completely blank, not knowing what to write. ( I hate writer's block!)

*Sigh* Sometimes you could be full of ideas and thoughts that feel like bursting out of you, with your brain in an overdrive, reeling from the impact of all your ideas as they hit you one by one, until you seem to be gasping for breath. And as you struggled, and raced to pen it all down, or type it all down, to be more accurate, you just can't seem to be fast enough, and that wonderful idea or thought just slip away from the grasp of your brain...Oh, dang, I think I just forgot a good point...

Never mind. I think that was beside the main idea or thought that I am about to blog here. Oops...what was that main point again? Oh yeah, why I CAME to LOVE WRITING! Or decided to start a blog.

I have never had a journal before. It might seem quite strange to you, for a person to love writing so much, had never had written a word? Actually, I did wrote a lot of things, but none to reveal my everyday life, my feelings. Rather, I channeled all my feelings into every story that I wrote ( all of which unfortunately, were unfinished business); the stories became a shield which could protect me and yet allow me to freely express my feelings. I guess it was due to the insecurity that I faced towards my life.

Writing has always and will always be a means of escapadee for me, away from all the fear, and uncertainty, albeit a temporary one, and very strangely, it too was a thing which eventually help to gain back my confidence, though a slow process, but a successful process nonetheless.

Not to say hide or run away from problems, but to take a breather so as to be able to muster the courage to face again the reality, writing did just that for me. It tells me to take my own time, and so no longer intimidated by the enormosity of the whole whatever scary situation I am in, I felt more able to handle the whole problem.

Stories were written because I had always loved stories, especially when I was a child; be it fantasy, science fiction, or fairy tales, the characters had been my friends and aid me throughout my life. It were their experiences I draw on, besides mine, when I faced the crossroads in my life. They ARE my special friends and I love them all.

It never strike me once to start a diary or a journal, well, it did, but I had always waved the idea away, because it seemed to be too personal; being so exposed made me feel insecure. And so I chose to hide my feelings behind all the stories that I wrote; they were there, but not visible.

Now, however, starting a new blog is like a revelation; it's like finally, after all those years, I had finally dared to open up my heart, to trust people with my feelings, of which I considered most private, most personal, and also as a first sign of my own confidence. Of course, I wanted to find that one true friends or friends who believe, who understands, who acknowledge and most of all, who could relate with whatever that I had written here.

But, most of all, this blog is a place or platform for me to write about things that affects my life, things that are thought-provoking, things that I believe in and relate to, things that touch my heart...because very story, every blog gives that little something in my life. It reminds me why I am here, and why I should be here, and what I should do in my life. It might all adds up to nothing, of insignificance, but, no matter what, I had hope to inspire that number of people, however small...

BUT, MOST OF ALL, I wanted to remind myself, to motivate myself, to inspire myself, into action, into appreciating the simple things in life...and perhaps to sort out a little of that confusion and uncertainty in my brain.

I had hope this post did achieve that little something that I wanted to achieve....but, never mind, because I had, I think, inspired myself.

I do agree this seems to be a very much confusing post, but well...say hi to my rambling self!

Friday, 22 July 2011

About Me--Round TWO!!!!!! =))

I Like Me

I am not thin but not fat,
I am not beautiful but not ugly (I guess),
I am not wise but not ignorant,
I am not smart but no fool,
I am no saint but no devil (it's true!);

I like me because...
I'm just right.

Sometimes I feel sad but comforted,
Sometimes I feel tired but at peace,
Sometimes I feel frustrated but soothed,
Sometimes I am afraid but assured,
Sometimes I feel no one understands me,
and yet I am understood.
Sometimes I hate yet love myself.

I am self-contradictory,
but self-assured.

I am simple, I guess, in some kind of a way,
and I am loved and cared for and feel true joy...
And that's why I like me.

But, simply,
I like me because...
I am me! ( And that's as special as I can be!)

Thursday, 21 July 2011

For your (Prenter) eyes only...

Dear Prenter,
Hi, Prenter. Thank you again, because, though I might seem confident to you in writing, but, in truth, I'm always doubtful about my own capabilities, especially my writing. YOU, gave me that extra boost to my self-esteem!
          I love reading your blog too (unfortunately, there were some that I couldn't understand because I'm not from Netherlands), 'Refuse to choose' were simply lovely. I can feel your passion, your enthusiasm, your optimism in everything you do, and in every part, everyday of your life! LOVE it!
          So, in short, GO GIRL!

Yours sincerely,

(p/s: It IS real hard to post a comment. ARGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH! Haha XP)

Finally...this day had come

A few days before today, I had just started my own blog, and then wrote my first blog.

Everyday, I went and open my own blog, with expectations, a  rapture, fervent hope burning within me...only to be crushed again and again. That disappoinment lodged deep in my throat; I couldn't breathe, I couldn't swallow, I couldn't think. Numb, cold, desolate. And even fear perhaps.

Then, today, TODAY came. Rountinely, I opened my blog and immediately was overwhelmed with a feeling of utmost pleasure, excitement, rapture, bliss, and most of all, gratitude. Today, suddenly, is filled with newfound hope.

Prenter. She is my follower, my newest drive and reason towards writing.

I do not think everything I wrote was good enough; but you, Prenter, made me realised one thing; it's that we, all of us bloggers are united with one thing...and that is passion in writing. No matter what we write, whether it is meaningful, or inspiring, or anything wonderful or just plainly nothing of the above...but we are always going to love writing.

And most of all, we are we; no one can be us, and that's what made us special. What we write defines us; its speaks of our identity, our dreams, our feelings and experience, and is filled with our very own essence.

Though it may seem that no one appreciates us, but, one day, someone will. Because we are we, and we are special.

Thank you, Prenter, for making me realised that. Thank you.

Wednesday, 20 July 2011

Writing Out Loud

Writing Out Loud

Here is a link I share with you-whoever is reading this:

You have to read this. In fact, just read every posts she had. They are great, because they are inspiring...and they tell us why we should keep writing, or more accurately, blogging!

Still myself

Ok. I just changed my title...because I realised that this blog isn't just about me, its about writing! Ok, maybe it is , but I want to write about more substantial things...though I do realized that so far, my blogs have been personal, as I have been quite a sentimental and emotional person.
I've been following Writing Out Loud, and I'm can't help admired the blogger...because not only her writing skills are wonderful, but most importantly, they inspire, they motivate, they touch your heart and they are thought-provoking...I realized that I've a long way before I could be that good but I'm going to keep on trying and trying.
This is again a crappy blog, but I happened to realize it as a means for me to vent out my frustration, pour out my feelings, so that, at the end of this blog, I would feel rejuvenated and refreshing. Pardon my over-imaginative mind, if that's how you want to put it, but the day seems to look a lot better.
I WILL improve on my blog...BUT, unfortunately, if you want to follow my blog, you will still have to bear my incoherent, talking-to-myself piece of crap blogging! 'Coz they come as a package.
In the end, this is not much, but, it is to me. So, to whoever who's reading it, if you even exist, THANK YOU. =) ( And also thank you to my dear blog for 'listening').
p/s. By the way, could anyone of you give some tips on how to improve on my blog? Anything that could have help. Thanks anyway for being there. =D

Thursday, 14 July 2011

About Me? =)

Hmmm...this is kind of nice...
For your information, I'm a very, VERY new blogger (maybe it shouldn't be, thanks to my sucky, amateurish writing?), so this is all very new to me. And I happened to realized that I had put my blog title as 'My Story', so inappropriate? On a second thought, maybe not~considering how I SHOULD introduce myself first to whoever's reading, if there is even one. *Sigh* Guess it's going to be tough one all right, to attract even one person to read my blog.
*Taking a deep breath* Well, I wanted to become a writer, so, this have to be one real obstacle I have to overcome! *Laughs* I know it would be very, very unprofessional and is a BIG no-no, but, YESSS...I'm practically on my knees begging you all to read my blog!
Ummm...not to mention that I have a chemistry test tomorrow, and I'm blogging here now, instead of studying ( What the hell is wrong with ME?!), and, on top of it all, I'm writing this crappy stuff that is so unuseful to everyone...
That's it. I'm going to stop writing this crappy stuff now, and start researching on some good stuff...So, right now, I'm going to say a BIG thank you to whoever's reading this, and then stop here. A very BAD ending of a blog, but I hope you don't mind! THANK YOU!
p/s: I'm going to write a lot of stories too, because I just LOVE stories, so hope everyone supports it!)