Have you ever had one of those days, or moments when you realised you'd said something that's not entirely true and wrong, and you need to backtrack on your words, but just don't know how?
Well, this is one of those times.
Now, to think of it again, I kinda change my mind...Sometimes, I think my mind sucks, because it just never could seem to make its mind up on some things. Sometimes, I felt like I don't even know who I am. And this sucks, coz I'm already almost two decades into my lifetime, and I still don't know who I am? I don't need you to tell me I'm screwed.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, I don't know if I'm morbid. If I'm really as dark as I think I am. Some thoughts that I have do terrify me at times, but I'm not always consumed completely by this darkness. There were times, and might be in the future, when I am truly happy. When I'm entirely detached from my dark side, and just felt...complete happiness. And those dark thoughts are just vague and distant objects that I couldn't even associate myself with them coz I'm just too caught up with the dream-like quality of pure joy. If that even make sense.
The reason that I wrote this is because, I wonder if we humans are really supposed to be dark, housed by our own terrifying demons that we've to battle to the end of our lives, or just born to be pure, innocent creatures that are only then created to become who we are to be? I can never make up my mind about that. I'm afraid of the latter being true because I'm afraid of who I'm going to be is entirely up to me, and I don't know if I can handle that kind of power. With great power comes great temptation. My own quote. I'm afraid of the former because of the endlessness. When is it ever going to end?
I'm afraid of the unknown. I'm tired of the uncertainty.
And I've a faint suspiscion that we humans, all are. That's probably why we are afraid of change. Because of the unknown.
Sometimes I wonder why I'm drawn to happy sweet stories. Maybe I need something positive to hold myself together? And I wonder why I'm drawn to morbid and twisted tales. Maybe because they remind me of myself, and make me felt less alone and terrifying? Maybe I like a bit of both because I need some positivity for strength and also reality to keep me prepared and grounded. Maybe I need both because I need to keep pushing on, but assured that it's still okay to fail sometimes. But still never ever lose sight of who I am in this final battle of good versus evil?
The thing is, I don't know. I'm still making sense of it all.