Tuesday, 25 September 2012

Making sense of myself

Have you ever had one of those days, or moments when you realised you'd said something that's not entirely true and wrong, and you need to backtrack on your words, but just don't know how?
Well, this is one of those times.
Now, to think of it again, I kinda change my mind...Sometimes, I think my mind sucks, because it just never could seem to make its mind up on some things. Sometimes, I felt like I don't even know who I am. And this sucks, coz I'm already almost two decades into my lifetime, and I still don't know who I am? I don't need you to tell me I'm screwed.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, I don't know if I'm morbid. If I'm really as dark as I think I am. Some thoughts that I have do terrify me at times, but I'm not always consumed completely by this darkness. There were times, and might be in the future, when I am truly happy. When I'm entirely detached from my dark side, and just felt...complete happiness. And those dark thoughts are just vague and distant objects that I couldn't even associate myself with them coz I'm just too caught up with the dream-like quality of pure joy. If that even make sense.
The reason that I wrote this is because, I wonder if we humans are really supposed to be dark, housed by our own terrifying demons that we've to battle to the end of our lives, or just born to be pure, innocent creatures that are only then created to become who we are to be? I can never make up my mind about that. I'm afraid of the latter being true because I'm afraid of who I'm going to be is entirely up to me, and I don't know if I can handle that kind of power. With great power comes great temptation. My own quote. I'm afraid of the former because of the endlessness. When is it ever going to end?
I'm afraid of the unknown. I'm tired of the uncertainty.
And I've a faint suspiscion that we humans, all are. That's probably why we are afraid of change. Because of the unknown.
Sometimes I wonder why I'm drawn to happy sweet stories. Maybe I need something positive to hold myself together? And I wonder why I'm drawn to morbid and twisted tales. Maybe because they remind me of myself, and make me felt less alone and terrifying? Maybe I like a bit of both because I need some positivity for strength and also reality to keep me prepared and grounded. Maybe I need both because I need to keep pushing on, but assured that it's still okay to fail sometimes. But still never ever lose sight of who I am in this final battle of good versus evil?
The thing is, I don't know. I'm still making sense of it all.


  1. I think as humans both "sides" are there, we just have the struggle of which direction to go. This is something I explore in my own horror writing. The choices and what happens when we make that choice. I choose to believe we're here to make a difference, to inspire others to fight the darkness and win. It's the God/Devil complex we all face. Don't give up. You can beat the darkness. It takes a strength beyond us at times, but we can find that in
    God, family, friends, others who inspire us. Good luck.

  2. Did you know that in 1965, all four of the Beatles said that they were atheists? But as they matured, they each changed their minds and professed a belief in God.[1] No doubt two important truths influenced their thinking. The first is that we know God exists because it’s scientifically impossible for creation (nature) to create itself. The second is that every one of us will eventually die, and only God is eternal. If we want to live forever (and who in his right mind doesn't?), we have to somehow connect with God. The problem is that we are separated from Him by our sin. Let’s see if we have sinned, by looking briefly at the Ten Commandments (God's moral Law). Have you ever told a lie, stolen anything, or used God's name in vain? Jesus said, "Whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart." Have you looked with lust? Will you be guilty on Judgment Day? If you have done those things, God sees you as a lying, thieving, blasphemous, adulterer at heart. The Bible warns that if you are guilty you will end up in Hell. God, who the Bible says is "rich in mercy," sent His Son, Jesus, to suffer and die on the cross in the place of guilty sinners. We broke God's Law, but Jesus paid our fine. That means God can legally dismiss our case. He can commute our death sentence: "For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life." Then Jesus rose from the dead and defeated death. Please, repent (turn from sin) today —you may not have tomorrow—and place your trust in Jesus, and God will grant you everlasting life (see John 14:21). Then read the Bible daily and obey it. Please read "Save Yourself Some Pain" (for principles of Christian growth) on LivingWaters.com.

    1. First, thank you for commenting!You have no idea how happy I am to have someone new join in my circle of bloggers! Thank you so much!
      Second, you made a great point and I agreed with you. I am not an atheist, but I am not a Christian, however I do agree that all of us have sinned at some point in our lives. Hence, this article is my way of realising my faults and then finding a way to repent them, as well as communicating with other people who had felt lost like I do at times that they are not alone and should not be afraid. And that we can repent our sins together.


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