I'm the eldest in the family. But I never act like one. Until recently, I finally took over the necessary role that I should have done all along...or at least, I tried too.
Mum hadn't much compliments in store for me. Who am I to blame her for the lack of encouragement? What right do I have for this? Even if I tried, I'm not always consistent...in trying itself! Sometimes, I lapsed into laziness again. How could mum place her utmost confidence in me?
I'll always play second fiddle to my younger sister.
And how could I assure and convince my mum, when even I was uncertain myself?
Despite being abashed and quiet, that is only the exterior, and what my family and close friends and relatives saw, but in truth, I am as loud as I could be.
Worse, I am all talk and no act. Just like blogging, I'm sure I gave you the impression of being noble and resposible, of able to own up my mistake and reprimanding myself publicly. I would promise, valiantly, to change, but at the click of my mouse to publish each new post, I would revert to my old self.
Again and again, I would wait and wait, unwilling to give up the pleasant feeling of still able to fool around and not have a care in the world. It became ever more tantalising and ever more tempting each time, as the years go by, and realization dawned on me that soon, very soon, all too soon, I would have to give it all up...It was heart-wrenching, and fear, uncertainty set ablaze on my soul.
This few months, going by ever more quickly, are the only small, tiny and ever more shrinking, relish that I would only have left in this final year. But it would all soon to be pass ever more quickly as I'll grow more busy in this short time I have left.
I have never been so understanding, so mature, so wise (not to boast) before in my life, as I sat down, thinking and knowing that, no matter how many times I'd pushed responsibility onto others in the past, now I no longer have the luxury of doing that. My family's life and future is at stake and they depend on me.
Never have I in my life felt so guilty and apologetic to my sister for pushing her to be the eldest child that I should have been. I thought I had purposely make myself feel guilty to push myself to shoulder the responsibility, but as I sat here blogging with tears rolling down my cheeks, I am glad to find out that was not true.
To the young me, responsibility used to be a burden, a heavy chain that weighed you down. But, now, I realize, that definition is not even close.
Responsibility is a beautiful gift that you could ever have had in your whole life. It marks the absolute trust, the total faith, the utmost respect and unconditional belief in you, to have you in charge of this responsibility.
And when you delivered the job wonderfully and successfully, it is not satisfaction of acknowledgement and affirmation, but the fulfillment that you could love unconditionally to make sacrifices that came with responsibility...
Because love is the greatest gift you could give to anyone, and love is the most wondeful gift you could receive.
The fear and uncertainty I had felt wasn't because that I would lose my freedom for responsibility.
It was because I might let my family down, if I fail.
My family, especially mum, are now often worried that I would change and let everyone down.
I couldn't assure her, because I am uncertain too. I am afraid.
God, please give me the courage and confidence.
God, please help me.
God, please allow me to suceed.