Perhaps of my pretty lonely childhood, I have become a bit too obsessive. About practically everything.
I remebered after changing to a new school, I found my first true friend, to my absolute suprise and esctacy. The jubilant taste of victory...was sweet. The word, 'Aha!', was barely contained inside my lips; it almost slipped out of my mouth, and what a strong, esctatic sense of triumph I would have felt and welcomed, when the word was flinged to those who scorned at my capability, my so assumed stupidity. So long, fellas...
People don't usually understand me, especially the young me (they don't need to, now; they just know that I'm a piece of hardworkng machine which will worked to its utmost best at almost everything--there's an exception and its a general fact, so they say, which I don't agree...I always feel I could do better)...that what I want was pretty simple: a smile, a laughter, something that could made me laugh, relax, happy, at peace...but they don't get it; most of them want MORE. Maybe its because of my mom? Her policy was, evrything is okay as long as I do my best (she had to see the effort for verification!) and passed my exams, AND, most importantly, I behave. The others...doesn't matter as long as I'm happy.
Do you know that, the first day to school, I was absolutely enthusiastic and eager and happy? I was excited. I'm going to make new friends! And then, it shattered. I was soon the bottom of my class, and so I was stupid, and stupid at that time, was a 'disease that could spread' (pardon the sarcasm) and so no one wants to befriend me. So the first year, I had virtually no friends. At all. None. Nil.
Slowly, I made friends with those victims like me. Later, with my mom working wonders, I climb up from the bottom, but I was still considered a low average: I'm not good enough. (Or am I just too weird? I don't get it. Till now, i still don't. Oh well, who cares? I don't now.) My mom offered to change school for me. I said no. I was afraid. Afraid that I would encounter the same problem. Afraid of coming to the realization that this world hates me. A miracle (I think its a miracle!) changed my fate. An unknown feeling (worked by unknown powers) prompts me to say yes. And so a different page of my life begins.
Ahem...I'm being long-winded again. Ahh, and so my bliss of having found a friend. I poured my whole sincerity and efforts into the friendship, and in return, asked for the same. Little did I realize that my friend is just a normal friend; she does not feel the same way. My mom advised me; she told me not to get too carried away, not to expect too much. I don't care.
The truth, though, finally dawned on me. Jealousy reared up inside me. Fortunately though, the trauma from my childhood stole my self-confidence, and so I did not voice out my dissatisfaction. I struggled and battled my jealosy deep down. And so I still had friends, though not very close ones. Till now, I wonder what if...what if...
Being in an Asian country really nutures your ambitious edge. Finally progressing much better, I found myself craving more and more. Like now, my blog. ( To my utmost shame, this is actually the whole point of my blog. The above is just the side dish.) I craved for comments, or at least someone reading my blog--in means that I can know, and be all geared up and motivated once more.
As a result, I neglect that one thing that had been dominat in my long ago, young life. Satisfaction. Because I'm more ambitious now, I lost the joy that it had brought with it into my life. I began to forget...And now..." the struggle for memory against forgetting"...
Didn't the process of just updating my blog--writing--brought joy, that wonderful feeling of thrill into this very moment? Isn't this enough?
Though, I would still craved for comments...ahem...and supports in any form, but, even if I open my blog with none, I would still be happy and satisfied. Because I'm doing that thing that I will always loved. And this gave me life. Its enough. I'm happy. I loved it.
I read this somewhere..."Gold is where you find it." Its true...and just like this, satisfaction is where you find it. Good luck!