Growing up

I thought I am all grown up.

This past few years I had gone great distance to become who I am today. Or so I thought.

I have changed. Everyone admits. But much? All it takes is one about-to-be-made decision to reveal the truth. The saddening, disappointing and disheartening but non-rebuking truth.

I'm always dreaming of this, dreaming of that; fantatising one day I would be successful and independent.

But, now, even the being independent part I failed miserably; suffice to say, I shouldn't even dreamed of being successful.

But. I may be a coward, and yet I am also full of pride. Two weaknesses of mine, working against each other.  A pleasant surprise, I have to say. My pride won; for the better or for the worse, I don't know. But I'm certainly not about to back down.

Though I had to admit, I'm worried sick--how am I going to handle my life, the people away from home. To my utmost chagrin, I'm scared. Fear rattled my every nerves and bones. Curse my pride.

But I'm going. I'm leaving. For the better or for the worse, I don't care. Right now, I see a brighter future ahead of me. Life is not a crystal ball and thus it's uncertain, full of risk. But, like an investment--no risk, no gain. I'm willing to take that risk. Just as someone had said, if you take the challenge, you still could get a 50% success, if you don't totally, then you had already lost out 100%.

All in all, I don't know what this blog is. Self-motivation, or just a list of pros and cons ( uhhh...I had to say its not) for the sake of making clear my priorities? To change my mind? Like I said, I don't know.

But you know what? I'm clearer than ever about one thing. I know what I want. To be better. If I don't take my chances, I'm certainly not going anywhere for the better soon. This is my future, piling on top of this is my sister's, my family's future...suddenly I saw a bigger picture.

Thank you blog. For pulling off another unexpected stunt. Thank you. Now, I'm going to just wish myself good luck, and do it.

p/s. I'm blogging-barred currently. This is probably my last blog this year. I apologized for any inconvenience and disappointment. Sorry. Thank you for supporting this far.