I hope I don't freak anyone out by saying this: I think I have DID ( Dissociative Identity Disorder)! Ok, maybe I'm over-exaggerating...everyone's supposed to good guy and a bad guy in their inner mind, right? Meaning, whenever there's a dilemma (espescially those that really test your morality), you get torn between making the right choice, that is being a saint, or, protecting your own self-interests (that is to put it more nicely of the fact that you're just plain selfish!). Yes? No?! Please don't freak me out in turn!
Honestly, (this is a confessing session, after all), I do. Feel like being selfish, being mean, I mean. ( Don't be terrified; it's not a psycho disorder DID--I was just blowing up the whole thing to pull your leg!!!). In fact, not feel LIKE, BUT, did it in the end! *Gasp*
It IS inborn in everyone of us (I am not being defensive!). Well, maybe not, I can control it if I want, but, there were times that I just don't want to. I'm not blaming anyone of accusing anyone...it's just I seem to feel that everyone will be trying to take advantage of me once I'm being a saint; I'm supposed to do these, do that; their responsibilities became my responsibilities and I AM TIRED OF THAT!
Though I confess that I, sometimes, too, take advantage of others. To relieve myself of the guilt, I like to think: an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But, that's not true, because I'm punishing all the wrong people...all the nice, nice people...Yes, YES, I RaeAnn have NO GUTS; no 'backbone' (or so they say...is that even right? Too late, it IS right now), and cowardly as a chicken! Oops...my zodiac sign happens to be a chicken...no wonder; it's an understatement, alright!
In fact, right here, right now, I am going to share with you a very shameful story of me. I know that this blog probably won't change or help anything and she's probably even isn't there, but, this an attempt to redeem, to apologize and so if you're there...I'm sorry. Sorry. Very, very sorry.
(In fact, I'm so bad that I don't even know her name!) I'm so sorry. And I'm barely even seven, eight? that time. Here goes: I was in a tuition class and I guess I was quite popular in a way because of doing well there and thus being the teacher's pet. Most people wants to sit with me. There was this girl ( who I don't know her name! I will call her Andrea here.) She was very bubbly, friendly and eager to make friends with me. And I, I! a small child, could even know how to discriminate someone! She is of a different race from mine, and she's darker, and not too beautiful, and so I wasn't very keen to sit with her. However, I do not know how to reject her ( Thank God!) and so, I very reluctantly sat with her. And then, comes a beautiful girl of the name Nadia, who also wants to sit with me. I was overjoyed and I agreed enthusiastically. Unfortunately, there was not much space, and she had to squeeze into a real tiny spot, which made things uncomfortable. And so Andrea chided Nadia for that.
Andrea: Hey, go find another place!
Nadia: Who says? RaeAnn here doesn't mind!
Andrea: (an evil eye)
Nadia: What?! What right have you got? Don't forget, RaeAnn wants me here! Her parents are fighting cocks, so don't you dare cross her. She said it's ok then it's ok.
(Shamefully) I nodded my head. Vigorously. I wanted Nadia to sit beside me so much. I could see the hurt and dejection in Andrea's eyes, which immediately made me feel guilty, but I still stuck with my choice anyway.
There you go. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. What's done, done, and my apology probably can't release her from the grudge. Yet, there's nothing I can do but apologized.
What about you guys? Here's the time for redemption. Please share with me your wrongdoings. Confess it. Apologize for it. Let us be released from our guilt. Maybe not totally, but, somehow a little bit. Go on. I support you!
(p/s: Here again I sincerely apologized to my wrongdoing in the past, if you're even there. I'm sorry. Will you accept my apology? Please do, don't crush me literally! If you can't, I understand but I REALLY hope you do...so that I know that I can have second chance...that I don't have to be trapped in this guilt anymore. Seriously.)