Thursday, 28 July 2011

Confessions: My 'Dr. Jekyll' vs. 'Mr. Hyde'

I hope I don't freak anyone out by saying this: I think I have DID ( Dissociative Identity Disorder)! Ok, maybe I'm over-exaggerating...everyone's supposed to good guy and a bad guy in their inner mind, right? Meaning, whenever there's a dilemma (espescially those that really test your morality), you get torn between making the right choice, that is being a saint, or, protecting your own self-interests (that is to put it more nicely of the fact that you're just plain selfish!). Yes? No?! Please don't freak me out in turn!

Honestly, (this is a confessing session, after all), I do. Feel like being selfish, being mean, I mean. ( Don't be terrified; it's not a psycho disorder DID--I was just blowing up the whole thing to pull your leg!!!). In fact, not feel LIKE, BUT, did it in the end! *Gasp*

It IS inborn in everyone of us (I am not being defensive!). Well, maybe not, I can control it if I want, but, there were times that I just don't want to. I'm not blaming anyone of accusing's just I seem to feel that everyone will be trying to take advantage of me once I'm being a saint; I'm supposed to do these, do that; their responsibilities became my responsibilities and I AM TIRED OF THAT!

Though I confess that I, sometimes, too, take advantage of others. To relieve myself of the guilt, I like to think: an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But, that's not true, because I'm punishing all the wrong people...all the nice, nice people...Yes, YES, I RaeAnn have NO GUTS; no 'backbone' (or so they that even right? Too late, it IS right now), and cowardly as a chicken! zodiac sign happens to be a wonder; it's an understatement, alright!

In fact, right here, right now, I am going to share with you a very shameful story of me. I know that this blog probably won't change or help anything and she's probably even isn't there, but, this an attempt to redeem, to apologize and so if you're there...I'm sorry. Sorry. Very, very sorry.

(In fact, I'm so bad that I don't even know her name!) I'm so sorry. And I'm barely even seven, eight? that time. Here goes: I was in a tuition class and I guess I was quite popular in a way because of doing well there and thus being the teacher's pet. Most people wants to sit with me. There was this girl ( who I don't know her name! I will call her Andrea here.) She was very bubbly, friendly and eager to make friends with me. And I, I! a small child, could even know how to discriminate someone! She is of a different race from mine, and she's darker, and not too beautiful, and so I wasn't very keen to sit with her. However, I do not know how to reject her ( Thank God!) and so, I very reluctantly sat with her. And then, comes a beautiful girl of the name Nadia, who also wants to sit with me. I was overjoyed and I agreed enthusiastically. Unfortunately, there was not much space, and she had to squeeze into a real tiny spot, which made things uncomfortable. And so Andrea chided Nadia for that.

Andrea: Hey, go find another place!
Nadia: Who says? RaeAnn here doesn't mind!
Andrea: (an evil eye)
Nadia: What?! What right have you got? Don't forget, RaeAnn wants me here! Her parents are fighting cocks, so don't you dare cross her. She said it's ok then it's ok.

(Shamefully) I nodded my head. Vigorously. I wanted Nadia to sit beside me so much. I could see the hurt and dejection in Andrea's eyes, which immediately made me feel guilty, but I still stuck with my choice anyway.

There you go. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. What's done, done, and my apology probably can't release her from the grudge. Yet, there's nothing I can do but apologized.

What about you guys? Here's the time for redemption. Please share with me your wrongdoings. Confess it. Apologize for it. Let us be released from our guilt. Maybe not totally, but, somehow a little bit. Go on. I support you!

(p/s: Here again I sincerely apologized to my wrongdoing in the past, if you're even there. I'm sorry. Will you accept my apology? Please do, don't crush me literally! If you can't, I understand but I REALLY hope you that I know that I can have second chance...that I don't have to be trapped in this guilt anymore. Seriously.)


  1. Everyone who's reading this, please support it!!!! by posting lots of comments; anything!!!

    This is for you, Prenter: I want you to comment!!!! If you don't know how, just click on the words'0 comments' below the post, beside the words 'posted by RaeAnn' or just click on the title of the post under blog archive and then you can comment it. For 'select profile', just select Name/URL and type all your particulars in and then click continue and click post comments. Please comment, I need your feedback!!!! Thanx.

    To ElizabethinProgress: Please give me some feedback too!!!! If its not too much work and if you don't mind, I would absolutely love it if you could comment on every post. I want to know how to improve my blog. And i wouldn't mind compliments too! In fact, you can also tell me your fav post (if you have one! Hope you don't think I'm vain). Thanx!

  2. I try to comment this post.

  3. Dearest RaeAnn,

    Be sure I 've read every post you 've made. I tried so many times to give a comment, and finally I can do so.

    I do really like your posts!!! Don't worry about improving your writings. That's going to happen simply by practising, with or without comments.

    I do understand you need support to stay on track and to keep posting.

    You 're doing well! Go girl, you can do it!

    Sincerely, Prenter

  4. Thank you again, Prenter. I'm not exactly worried about my writing (though I DO hope they are improving), because you're right; they come with practice. I just hope that through comments I would get some idea for writing new posts and also liven up the blog! So that I don't feel so's nice when you open your blog finding some comments to will feel like making lots of friend and get to know more people MORE!
    In fact, instead of commenting how good the post is, why don't you answer the questions in the post instead? Through this I'm sure we will bond with each other even more. Thanks, anyway!
    p/s. I'm sorry to say i might stop blogging for a while these few weeks...coz my exams coming round the corner. Till then, I hope to hear lots more from you! =)))))D

  5. Don't feel lonely, you are not. At least someone is reading your posts. I write comments to your posts as much as I can. You have to consider that writing English takes much time for me, being not a native speaker.
    To share my wrongdoings is not the aim of my blog. My aim is to share what I love, like and learn. Especially what I learn. Everything that gives me courage might give courage to all who reads it.
    Indeed, to overcome a wrong step or to solve a problem gives courage too. Perhaps that is what you have in mind. I'll think about it.

  6. Aha! Now, this is a space for you to improve your English!!!!!!
    Thank you, Prenter! I am, too, reading your posts.
    I like thye way you focus on the positive things rather than the negative things. For me, I'll write anything, so long it teaches me lessons, but most of all, things that inspires, motivate and affects me, whether mentally or physically...This is a space for me to voice out my feelings, opinions, thought and ideas...and also perhaps, for a redeemption...As you know, I'm imperfect, I'll always make mistakes and this blog is to remind me that I do NOT walk away from things that I done wrong...I must faced it...perhaps it's not much but its a start.
    Thank you for sharing, prenter. i look forward to know more about you.


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