Growing up

I thought I am all grown up.

This past few years I had gone great distance to become who I am today. Or so I thought.

I have changed. Everyone admits. But much? All it takes is one about-to-be-made decision to reveal the truth. The saddening, disappointing and disheartening but non-rebuking truth.

I'm always dreaming of this, dreaming of that; fantatising one day I would be successful and independent.

But, now, even the being independent part I failed miserably; suffice to say, I shouldn't even dreamed of being successful.

But. I may be a coward, and yet I am also full of pride. Two weaknesses of mine, working against each other.  A pleasant surprise, I have to say. My pride won; for the better or for the worse, I don't know. But I'm certainly not about to back down.

Though I had to admit, I'm worried sick--how am I going to handle my life, the people away from home. To my utmost chagrin, I'm scared. Fear rattled my every nerves and bones. Curse my pride.

But I'm going. I'm leaving. For the better or for the worse, I don't care. Right now, I see a brighter future ahead of me. Life is not a crystal ball and thus it's uncertain, full of risk. But, like an investment--no risk, no gain. I'm willing to take that risk. Just as someone had said, if you take the challenge, you still could get a 50% success, if you don't totally, then you had already lost out 100%.

All in all, I don't know what this blog is. Self-motivation, or just a list of pros and cons ( uhhh...I had to say its not) for the sake of making clear my priorities? To change my mind? Like I said, I don't know.

But you know what? I'm clearer than ever about one thing. I know what I want. To be better. If I don't take my chances, I'm certainly not going anywhere for the better soon. This is my future, piling on top of this is my sister's, my family's future...suddenly I saw a bigger picture.

Thank you blog. For pulling off another unexpected stunt. Thank you. Now, I'm going to just wish myself good luck, and do it.

p/s. I'm blogging-barred currently. This is probably my last blog this year. I apologized for any inconvenience and disappointment. Sorry. Thank you for supporting this far.

Exam's Over...*gasp*

Phew. Finally, exam's over. Suddenly, I felt like I couldn't write a thing anymore. Not to mention, I seem to feel like I had been cut off from the whole world. A bit scary, I have to say. ( About not being able to write, NOT being cut off the world--I could use a break from peer pressure.)

Oh well. I think I'll talk about this one. I have just checked out the blog Fluorishing in Progress, and my, am I shocked to find out that her ideas had been plagarised since November. ( Plagarise means taking credit of people's work for your own.) Why? Pattrick, why? ( Yeah, he's a guy who spell his name with double 't's.)

Somehow, he made me think of the Patrick in Spongebob Squarepants. I'm not siding this guy--unfortunately, he had made a major mistake in stealing a writer's work; clearly, he doesn't know us, that we writers hated most about is someone stealing our work. He had crossed that forbidden line...as a result, he will have to pay for it. He is NOT getting off the hook, apparently.

It reminds me of my first day of school this year. Our teachers apparently had this 'thing' about plagarism. Which, again, reminds me of my high school year. How I used to kind of plagarise. You know, when you kind of get the writer's block, and then there's this reference essay in front of you that becomes more and more tempting every passing moment...While I don't really copy, ( I DO like being creative; as a result, I often spend hours writing an essay, trying to paraphrase the whole thing.) sometimes I get fed up, and just copy some part of it without quoting it. Just a tiny part, mind you That's still stealing. At that time, plagiarising wasn't a big thing in high school  Okay, these are excuses.

Now, I'm happy to say I don't. Plagarise, I mean. Which led me to think, that Pattrick's a sad guy. I'm sorry  Okay, but then again, I'm not sorry. If he'd a mind of what's good (like you DO realize that Fluorishing in Progress blog is real cool), then he should know that what he did is wrong. Seriously, is this guy so insecure about himself that he had to pretend to be like someone, hoping to be liked by others?

Pattrick: Be confident of yourself. Y'know, I used to think that I'm not good enough; what I write sucks. But I refused to be someone else; yes, I wanted to be liked, but not as others--its as myself! And it won't be that bad--hey, I got two followers now, that's not much, but its something! You'd better stop and make amends, because if you don't, all I can say is you're going down.)

(p/s. If I had offended anyone, in particularly, Fluorishing in Progress, I apologized profusely for it. Its just a thought. If you would like it removed, kindly informed me by commenting on my post. Thank you for your cooperation.)

I Feel Good.... =)

"That's the way, aha, aha, I like it, aha, aha..."

Yup, I'm singing this stupid song right now while writing this blog OUT LOUD...oh well, maybe not, (after all, I'm in a public place!) but it's definitely ringing in my ears!

2 more NEW people ( Kathy and SpitsFire) commented on my post; and make it a triple joy: I got another brand new follower! Gabrielle. Wonderful writer, just as is Kathy and SpitsFire. Read them!

Oh, ummm...I am sorry to say that this, besides being a gratitude post, is nothing much. Sorry. Yes, exams sucks. And I'm pulling out my hair because of it! Oh well, at least I got to relax a little through this blog. Thank you, blog!

And thank you everyone!

(Pardon me, a new song's coming up... "I feel good! (music) Like sugar and spice (music) I feeeeeeeeel nice! (music) Like sugar and spice..." And so it goes on revving up the whole household...or should I say racking?!)

Satisfaction is where you find it =)

Perhaps of my pretty lonely childhood, I have become a bit too obsessive. About practically everything.

I remebered after changing to a new school, I found my first true friend, to my absolute suprise and esctacy. The jubilant taste of victory...was sweet. The word, 'Aha!', was barely contained inside my lips; it almost slipped out of my mouth, and what a strong, esctatic sense of triumph I would have felt and welcomed, when the word was flinged to those who scorned at my capability, my so assumed stupidity. So long, fellas...

People don't usually understand me, especially the young me (they don't need to, now; they just know that I'm a piece of hardworkng machine which will worked to its utmost best at almost everything--there's an exception and its a general fact, so they say, which I don't agree...I always feel I could do better)...that what I want was pretty simple: a smile, a laughter, something that could made me laugh, relax, happy, at peace...but they don't get it; most of them want MORE. Maybe its because of my mom? Her policy was, evrything is okay as long as I do my best (she had to see the effort for verification!) and passed my exams, AND, most importantly, I behave. The others...doesn't matter as long as I'm happy.

Do you know that, the first day to school, I was absolutely enthusiastic and eager and happy? I was excited. I'm going to make new friends! And then, it shattered. I was soon the bottom of my class, and so I was stupid, and stupid at that time, was a 'disease that could spread'  (pardon the sarcasm) and so no one wants to befriend me. So the first year, I had virtually no friends. At all. None. Nil.

Slowly, I made friends with those victims like me. Later, with my mom working wonders, I climb up from the bottom, but I was still considered a low average: I'm not good enough. (Or am I just too weird? I don't get it. Till now, i still don't. Oh well, who cares? I don't now.) My mom offered to change school for me. I said no. I was afraid. Afraid that I would encounter the same problem. Afraid of coming to the realization that this world hates me. A miracle (I think its a miracle!) changed my fate. An unknown  feeling (worked by unknown powers) prompts me to say yes. And so a different page of my life begins.

Ahem...I'm being long-winded again. Ahh, and so my bliss of having found a friend. I poured my whole sincerity and efforts into the friendship, and in return, asked for the same. Little did I realize that my friend is just a normal friend; she does not feel the same way. My mom advised me; she told me not to get too carried away, not to expect too much. I don't care.

The truth, though, finally dawned on me. Jealousy reared up inside me. Fortunately though, the trauma from my childhood stole my self-confidence, and so I did not voice out my dissatisfaction. I struggled and battled my jealosy deep down. And so I still had friends, though not very close ones. Till now, I wonder what if...what if...

Being in an Asian country really nutures your ambitious edge. Finally progressing much better, I found myself craving more and more. Like now, my blog. ( To my utmost shame, this is actually the whole point of my blog. The above is just the side dish.) I craved for comments, or at least someone reading my blog--in means that I can know, and be all geared up and motivated once more.

As a result, I neglect that one thing that had been dominat in my long ago, young life. Satisfaction. Because I'm more ambitious now, I lost the joy that it had brought with it into my life. I began to forget...And now..." the struggle for memory against forgetting"...

Didn't the process of just updating my blog--writing--brought joy, that wonderful feeling of thrill into this very moment? Isn't this enough?

Though, I would still craved for comments...ahem...and supports in any form, but, even if I open my blog with none, I would still be happy and satisfied. Because I'm doing that thing that I will always loved. And this gave me life. Its enough. I'm happy. I loved it.

I read this somewhere..."Gold is where you find it." Its true...and just like this, satisfaction is where you find it. Good luck!

Seeing the bigger picture

During the weekend, I took a peek at this book (shown above). The first few sentence that I read screamed at me:
"Are you as tired as I am of books constantly telling you about doing your best to understand your parents, doing your homework, making curfew, getting a haircut, dropping that hemline, and blah, blah, blah?"
-- Jay McGraw, from the Introduction

YESSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!! This book's real COOL. Instead of launching into another boring old long, looong lectures, the author tells me what I want to hear, and what I don't, and suprisingly get it across to, of which some I vehemently agreed...and some somewhat reluctantly. It's true.

How many of us actually like studying?! Zero. Nil. We practically forced ourselves out of our comfy, warm bed every chilly morning, when our brains are screaming to get back, and dragged ourselves to school just to scraped through a half-day of teacher's droning. Not only us, (you have to admit this), even our parents had a fair share of tug-of-war during pre-school and 'debates' during high school. School days are tough. Of course, some of you who absolutely love learning, would deny that, but be sure I'm not one of you!

Let us face the reality though. We HAD to study. Yes, yes, the boring, same old story...our future depends on it. We may fed up with it all, but our future will still depends on it. We don't care about our future?! Let get this straight; we may HATE studying, but for most of us, our future matters!!! Who are we kidding?!

Just like the author said, we HAD to 'get it'; there are rules in this world, whether we like it or not. There's a system in this world that we can never defy. Can't beat them? Join them! It sucks, but its reality. For those of you...not convinced? Read the book. And good luck.

As he had said, you either get it, or you don't. See the big picture? ( By the way, this guy's a genius!!!!!!!)

They ain't heavy, they're my family

My family, would probably be much more different (and perhaps to some, strange) than most ordinary families. No, no, no, I shouldn't say that; my family is similiar, in most aspects, to any other families, yet, different, unique and special than them. For example, my mom would still nag me everytime and my sister would still always argue with me...but...for starters, I had never heard the likes of Lady Gaga, Katy Perry, Selena Gomez, Justin Bieber, Taylor Swift, Black Eyed Peas, and etc., etc., until I reached my teens.

I wouldn't say they are narrow-minded (and they certainly are NOT); they just are not aware. They only knew about Cliff Richard, Elvis Presley, Elton John, Tom Jones (this is also a personal favourite of mine! He recently just did a stint on American Idol and I thought it's phenomenal!), Lionel Richie, Donna Summers, Olivia Newton-John, and etc., etc. I grew up with this bunch of old singers (and many more!), because they listen only to these. After I was much more exposed to a wider spectrum of the entertaining industry, they would still let me listen to some of their songs, though they were a bit turned off by some of the singers, like Lady Gaga for example (no offence to Lady Gaga's fans!!!), whose wardrobe choices were a bit too much, not to mention her rocking music could actually shocked one to the core. But, this is just typical of most parents I would think, and of course, they were still quite cool with the whole thing.

But, most importantly, they are my upbringing, my background, my values and role-models. Growing up with them taught me invaluable life-lessons, to appreciate every small things in life, to appreciate myself. They taught me to trust myself, to believe in myself, to love myself, and are always there every step of the way I tread. I am everything I am, because they loved me. They are my identity. I never had to fear of being lost, because I know they'll always be behind me, supporting me.

I can have many friends, but only one family. Thank you, everyone, for supporting me this far. I love you all. To bits. (If there's one) HAPPY FAMILY'S DAY!!!!!!!!!!

p/s. I don't know about you, but I always took for granted, everything my family did for me. And...(its shameful to admit this)...sometimes my pride, anger, and even irritation get the better of me...so I guess I do hurt them quite a bit. If you're like me, here's the time and platform for an apology or a gift of thanks and even affection. Is there any thoughts about your family, that you wanted to share with me? Join me in showing your appreciation towards your family today. Let's all make today a family day!

...disappoinment.

It tasted like a bitter pill.
I felt empty...and forlorn.
I did not make it after all.
My mind told me to be brave, to believe in myself, because nobody would, only me. But that's why it's hard. I'm tired of being brave. For once, I wanted to let go.
For once, I'm tired to act that it's okay, act that I think positively everytime, of any crisis(yes, it's a crisis here!), write a post that's says it'll be fine at the end of the day. Because it will not. It will stay forever in my mind, forever in my life, reminding me of my failure.
But...
...I can whine all I want, and it won't change a thing. In fact, I'll feel worse. Or I can think positively, and do something productive about it.
Yup, life is unfair. When I feel sad, I wished I could make everyone know and care that I'm sad. But, it's my problem, and nobody else, and nobody would care.
Yes, life is unfair indeed.
What about you? Have you felt for a time when you wish you could make that someone suffer because they make you suffer? And yet, you felt horrible and terrible afterwards for that kind of bad thought? Wanna share it?

About Me Round Three~Reminiscence

If you had checked out on my profile under the 'About Me' page, you would probably know that I had a childhood imaginary friend....ahem...friends. I wonder what kind of vocabulary you would think of now, to describe me. Weird? Psycho? Childish? Or no idea at all...just being stunned, speechless. Probably sprouting out of your mind is this, "What kind of childhood is this? To have to resort to imagination to forget the loneliness..." Pity, pity, pity.

If you think that I'm sorry about my childhood, then you're wrong. Sure, to say it had never affected me is completely untrue (I do realized I tend to crave for attention and acknowledgement, like now wanting you all to comment), but then again, I do realized that this is not an excuse. Especially when I realized that I'm not the only one who had a hard childhood. And to keep on dwelling on the past will not ever help my situation...I'm going to be always trapped in the same life if I didn't to something to change it...and my quest in this life is to be happy, to find meaning and a purpose in life, and to find success, whioch I will not be able to achieve if I did not break away from it.

But a childhood without friends is indeed lonely, and I chose to solve this problem by creating lots of lovely, encouraging friends. It started off with a simple and pure imagination of the characters in books I had read...and slowly, slowly, I fleshed out the characters using the power of my mind, adding an individual flavour, additional characters to each of them, and they turned out to be something very much different from the book.

Initially, I just act out the scenes in the book in my head. Then, I started to add additional scenes to it...(let's see if I can remember any, then I'll tell you about it in later posts)...but then, I needed a friend more than a character...and so they became friends (each still donning the character's face) that I confide to. And in my mind's eye, I saw them clapping, and laughing at every joke I shared, admiring me for my 'numerous talents' and adores me! Talk about being vain...

Someday, into the future, I might introduce them, one by one, in my blog. Till then, I'll just say I love them and still am! No matter what people says. Because they taught me experiences, life lessons, and most of all, gave me confidence and love. (My parents did a great job raising me too, by loving and caring for me, but, there are somethings friends give better to us, and similiarly, somethings parents give better than friends!)

LOVE YA ALL, besties!

You're beautiful =)

A few years back, I came across to an article in the newspaper. I couldn't exactly remember the title or all of its content, but I remember one thing it did for me: It gave me confidence in myself.

How many times have you been reminded of how lacking you are in appearance? Magazines...in fact, even ads in newspapers repeatedly crushed our self-esteem. So that avoiding magazines like Time magazine, Galaxie, and Vogue magazine, wouldn't even help.

Impossibly 'slim' women, beautiful, sexy, hot, and in anyway desirable, constantly allow us to be consumed by inappropriateness, insecurity and even guilt, even just after a normal bout of scrumptious food. We began to doubt out own attractiveness--we forgot that beauty comes from within.

In fact, do we even realized that some of the ads, all the beautifulness, the impossible gorgeousness is not reality? We had begun to be consumed by pressure from community and even become a slave of our own vanity, to the extent that, even our intelligence, our knowledge, our educated mind , failed to help us determine what is reality and what is fantasy; what is true and what is false.

Below is a youtube link which effectively illustrate this point:

Dove Evolution

At the end of the day, this post probably isn't much, as I too, am constantly insecure and in doubt of myself. But, I hope that this could wake, inspire, motivate and assure women (just as the article I had read did to me), to accept, appreciate and love their weaknesses and also admire and be sure of their own strengths. We, women, should love ourselves. Because...if even ourselves could not achieve that, who will love us? There are too many anorexics today (men including); you don't want to be a statistic.

And remember, 'You're beautiful because God HANDMADE you!'. Why be her/them (unreasonably beautiful women in the ads), if you could be YOU?! Please know that you are always unique, special and beautiful, by being yourself with a heart of gold.