An end...or a new beginning?

It's ages since I written on my blog.
I've to admit, I was very much surprised that there were some of you who'd still took the trouble to check out my blog, despite my...'laziness'?
Thank you to each of you.
Partly, very small partly, I am lazy, but, mostly, it was because I lost that drive to write after the long break. It felt like the burning fire inside me whenever I write, the stimulating fire that consumed me each time I write, the feverish excitement everytime I blog, had died. Disappeared. Vanished. Gone. Suddenly, I'm left an empty shell, lost, forlorn, uncertain. I lost my inspiration...my muse had deserted me to face my incapability and hopelessness, and worse, I lost my faith, my confidence in myself.
I'd no idea what to do with myself at all.
Worse, even if I do, nobody cares. That thought left me spiralling into a bigger depth of despair.
It was bad, very bad.
Just a few days before my such state hit me, I'd been all fired up, all fresh for a new start after the long, tiring and boring break. I'd updated 'About My Blog' and even carefully, meticulously written up a description of my blog. I've gotten much clearer about the path I wanted to take, with my blog. I realized, during the break (yup, at that time I was pretty much addicted to my blog, eventhough I'm not supposed to), that I was much too vague about what I wanted my blog to do.
The blog started off as a means for me to better express and manage my feelings, and of course, to further enhance my writing skills. Later, it became much more than that as I began to have followers (though not much to boast off) and wider readership. I realized it'd started to mean too much to me to be just a tool, and I wanted it to have an influential power, and garnered the hallmarks of a great blog, making it into 'Blogs Of Note'. I'm far from making it big, but that doesn't mean I couldn't dream big.
So when my sorry state kicked in, and started to wear me doen, bringing my spirit, ambitions down, I began to feel that perhaps I couldn't and wouldn't make it after all. I just don't have the talents, the making in me. I should just have given up.
(Was it just a few months ago that I'd written Satisfaction is where you find it? How different I'd been then. Humans change much, often and a lot. I'm an example.)
So, what made me changed my mind?
The book 'Like the Flowing River'. That goes to show how books can change a life, and how it had always took part in the malkings of my life, never failing. Not even once.
It was the chapter 'The pianist in the shopping mall' that gave me a wake-up call. It told me, it's a lie when I think no one is reading my blog, and that nobody cares, even God.
Because God cares. God listens. God understands. And God help you, guide you, in no ways you can comprehend, when you're unaware.
"God is in the soul,  and in 'my mind, my heart, my passion, my love,  my dream', because 'I am' giving the very best of 'myself'. "
"We, each of us have our personal legend to fulfill, and that is all. It doesn't matter if other people support us or criticize us, or ignore us, or put up with us-we're doing it because that is our destiny on this earth, and the fount of all joy."
"Whenever we feel that no one is paying attention to whay we're doing, let us think of that pianist. He was talking to God through his work, and nothing else mattered."
So am I. And that's enough.
Whenever you feel the same as I do, read a book. Read this book. Perhaps you will find something unexpected along the way, and come to terms with yourself, just like me. Best of luck.

Grace-ing my life

As the years gone by, they went faster.
It seems funny, but it felt like I had started a new school year yesterday. And today was the end of the year.
Weird. Surreal.
But...it IS the end of the year. And I'm here, to put on a single sweet note to the end of the year...by paying a tribute to my teachers.
It may seem ridiculous...for the fact that I'd never ever done that for almost all of my years.
Because of one special teacher.
Not that the others were bad. Yes, I'd met unsatisfying teachers...but most were wonderful.
I know you must be wondering, ...then why?
Well, we were a very conventional bunch of people...and we don't express our feelings...that openly.
But, this very teacher showed me that we can be different, and it's still okay. In fact, it makes us feel good.
Miss Grace, you gave me a wonderful gift before you left.
Thank you...
And now here's my gift to you.
And my gift to each and everyone of the teachers who had taught me...be he or she good or bad.
Because you all had chosen to teach, even when we're at our worst moments.
Who're we to criticise you?
I'm sorry...and THANK YOU.

The teachers are...
Mdm. Leela
Mr. Leong
2 Ms. Tan(s)
Mr. Yap
Mr. Yeoh
Ms. Tan
Ms.  Ang
Ms. Goh
Ms. Teoh
...

Too many. You know who you're. And thank you!
You'll always be on my mind...because you're a part of me.
Your teaching built me as who I am today...and tomorrow.
I am who I am today...because of each and everyone of you.
THANK YOU.

A Second Chance. For me.

I've, again, violated my strict code.
But I simply must write this. I have absolutely no idea why the hell I wrote a post last night. Not to mention, a crappy and nonsensical one. Probably because it was midnight the time I wrote it. Since when had I become so 'alienated' from staying up late at night?
This post is inspired by Fluorish in Progress (yet again; I hope you don't mind that I 'steal' your idea--my bad), AND, another new blogger that I'd noticed at Fluorish in Progress 'Disqus' section--Tabitha.
I'm not going to write about my Joe...(because its going to take me a long time to write, and time is running out for me!Yes, I happened to have a time restriction in writing this posts)...but, I'm going to thank them for opening my eyes and thus gave me some reassurance.

I've come to a point where I'm at a crossroad of my life; suffice to say, I'm kind of worried that I'm making a wrong decision. It didn't help when I'd to read about a book(school syllabus) of a young boy who had make a wrong decision, and he ended up greying and dissatisfied. ( though, this is not the point of reading that book. I think.)
I'm SCARED. Especially when I'm uncertain of what to do with my life; my parents make it a point to decide for me. Come to think of it, even if I do have an idea, I suspect it might not be 'agreeable' to them. When the hell had it become so hard to choose? I used to be able to choose McD over KFCor vice versa according to my eating mood, etc. Now, I don't even know what my options are. I'm afraid, I would mess up my life by taking a wrong step, but I don't know if my parents idea is good after all, for me.

Then, a miracle happened. Both Fluorish in Progress and Tabitha chose this exact momet, correctly, to reveal their stories. In a way, they ARE my Joes. I might still not know what I want, but, at least I'm reassured that, no matter what, everyone DOES have a second chance. I might still be worried, but at least not trapped in a paralysing fear.

You guys, are wonderful. Thank you, guys!

I FAILED. Big time.

I promised myself that I'll never blog this year due to exams...but I surrendered. It first started with a peek at other blogs...then, without 'permission' to write, I suddenly turned into a big self-critic. I suddenly become very picky about my blog...and started customizing it.

Could you believe that I'd wasted a whole two hours doing just this? Of which could be better spent on studying. *Grimace*No need to chid me; my bad.

Oh well, what's done done. Might as well spend the remainding time admiring my finishing touches on the customization of my blog, which could probably give me extra jibes for studying. Tell me I'm right, please?

Anyways, what do you guys think of my 'brand-new' blog? It might not be very me, after all, I'm still searching for 'that' touch, which I still can't quite grasp yet. PLUS, I simply MUST REALLY STOP NOW. Time to study.

p/s. I AM still blogging-barred. Anyone could suggest how I could stop itching to blog?!

Growing up

I thought I am all grown up.

This past few years I had gone great distance to become who I am today. Or so I thought.

I have changed. Everyone admits. But much? All it takes is one about-to-be-made decision to reveal the truth. The saddening, disappointing and disheartening but non-rebuking truth.

I'm always dreaming of this, dreaming of that; fantatising one day I would be successful and independent.

But, now, even the being independent part I failed miserably; suffice to say, I shouldn't even dreamed of being successful.

But. I may be a coward, and yet I am also full of pride. Two weaknesses of mine, working against each other.  A pleasant surprise, I have to say. My pride won; for the better or for the worse, I don't know. But I'm certainly not about to back down.

Though I had to admit, I'm worried sick--how am I going to handle my life, the people away from home. To my utmost chagrin, I'm scared. Fear rattled my every nerves and bones. Curse my pride.

But I'm going. I'm leaving. For the better or for the worse, I don't care. Right now, I see a brighter future ahead of me. Life is not a crystal ball and thus it's uncertain, full of risk. But, like an investment--no risk, no gain. I'm willing to take that risk. Just as someone had said, if you take the challenge, you still could get a 50% success, if you don't totally, then you had already lost out 100%.

All in all, I don't know what this blog is. Self-motivation, or just a list of pros and cons ( uhhh...I had to say its not) for the sake of making clear my priorities? To change my mind? Like I said, I don't know.

But you know what? I'm clearer than ever about one thing. I know what I want. To be better. If I don't take my chances, I'm certainly not going anywhere for the better soon. This is my future, piling on top of this is my sister's, my family's future...suddenly I saw a bigger picture.

Thank you blog. For pulling off another unexpected stunt. Thank you. Now, I'm going to just wish myself good luck, and do it.

p/s. I'm blogging-barred currently. This is probably my last blog this year. I apologized for any inconvenience and disappointment. Sorry. Thank you for supporting this far.

Exam's Over...*gasp*

Phew. Finally, exam's over. Suddenly, I felt like I couldn't write a thing anymore. Not to mention, I seem to feel like I had been cut off from the whole world. A bit scary, I have to say. ( About not being able to write, NOT being cut off the world--I could use a break from peer pressure.)

Oh well. I think I'll talk about this one. I have just checked out the blog Fluorishing in Progress, and my, am I shocked to find out that her ideas had been plagarised since November. ( Plagarise means taking credit of people's work for your own.) Why? Pattrick, why? ( Yeah, he's a guy who spell his name with double 't's.)

Somehow, he made me think of the Patrick in Spongebob Squarepants. I'm not siding this guy--unfortunately, he had made a major mistake in stealing a writer's work; clearly, he doesn't know us, that we writers hated most about is someone stealing our work. He had crossed that forbidden line...as a result, he will have to pay for it. He is NOT getting off the hook, apparently.

It reminds me of my first day of school this year. Our teachers apparently had this 'thing' about plagarism. Which, again, reminds me of my high school year. How I used to kind of plagarise. You know, when you kind of get the writer's block, and then there's this reference essay in front of you that becomes more and more tempting every passing moment...While I don't really copy, ( I DO like being creative; as a result, I often spend hours writing an essay, trying to paraphrase the whole thing.) sometimes I get fed up, and just copy some part of it without quoting it. Just a tiny part, mind you That's still stealing. At that time, plagiarising wasn't a big thing in high school  Okay, these are excuses.

Now, I'm happy to say I don't. Plagarise, I mean. Which led me to think, that Pattrick's a sad guy. I'm sorry  Okay, but then again, I'm not sorry. If he'd a mind of what's good (like you DO realize that Fluorishing in Progress blog is real cool), then he should know that what he did is wrong. Seriously, is this guy so insecure about himself that he had to pretend to be like someone, hoping to be liked by others?

Pattrick: Be confident of yourself. Y'know, I used to think that I'm not good enough; what I write sucks. But I refused to be someone else; yes, I wanted to be liked, but not as others--its as myself! And it won't be that bad--hey, I got two followers now, that's not much, but its something! You'd better stop and make amends, because if you don't, all I can say is you're going down.)

(p/s. If I had offended anyone, in particularly, Fluorishing in Progress, I apologized profusely for it. Its just a thought. If you would like it removed, kindly informed me by commenting on my post. Thank you for your cooperation.)

I Feel Good.... =)

"That's the way, aha, aha, I like it, aha, aha..."

Yup, I'm singing this stupid song right now while writing this blog OUT LOUD...oh well, maybe not, (after all, I'm in a public place!) but it's definitely ringing in my ears!

2 more NEW people ( Kathy and SpitsFire) commented on my post; and make it a triple joy: I got another brand new follower! Gabrielle. Wonderful writer, just as is Kathy and SpitsFire. Read them!

Oh, ummm...I am sorry to say that this, besides being a gratitude post, is nothing much. Sorry. Yes, exams sucks. And I'm pulling out my hair because of it! Oh well, at least I got to relax a little through this blog. Thank you, blog!

And thank you everyone!

(Pardon me, a new song's coming up... "I feel good! (music) Like sugar and spice (music) I feeeeeeeeel nice! (music) Like sugar and spice..." And so it goes on revving up the whole household...or should I say racking?!)