Responsibility or burden?

I'm the eldest in the family. But I never act like one. Until recently, I finally took over the necessary role that I should have done all along...or at least, I tried too.
Mum hadn't much compliments in store for me. Who am I to blame her for the lack of encouragement? What right do I have for this? Even if I tried, I'm not always consistent...in trying itself! Sometimes, I lapsed into laziness again. How could mum place her utmost confidence in me?
I'll always play second fiddle to my younger sister.
And how could I assure and convince my mum, when even  I was uncertain myself?
Despite being abashed and quiet, that is only the exterior, and what my family and close friends and relatives saw, but in truth, I am as loud as I could be.
Worse, I am all talk and no act. Just like blogging, I'm sure I gave you the impression of being noble and resposible, of able to own up my mistake and reprimanding myself publicly. I would promise, valiantly, to change, but at the click of my mouse to publish each new post, I would revert to my old self.
Again and again, I would wait and wait, unwilling to give up the pleasant feeling of still able to fool around and not have a care in the world. It became ever more tantalising and ever more tempting each time, as the years go by, and realization dawned on me that soon, very soon, all too soon, I would have to give it all up...It was heart-wrenching, and fear, uncertainty set ablaze on my soul.
This few months, going by ever more quickly, are the only small, tiny and ever more shrinking, relish that I would only have left in this final year. But it would all soon to be pass ever more quickly as I'll grow more busy in this short time I have left.
I have never been so understanding, so mature, so wise (not to boast) before in my life, as I sat down, thinking and knowing that, no matter how many times I'd pushed responsibility onto others in the past, now I no longer have the luxury of doing that. My family's life and future is at stake and they depend on me.
Never have I in my life felt so guilty and apologetic to my sister for pushing her to be the eldest child that I should have been. I thought I had purposely make myself feel guilty to push myself to shoulder the responsibility, but as I sat here blogging with tears rolling down my cheeks, I am glad to find out that was not true.
To the young me, responsibility used to be a burden, a heavy chain that weighed you down. But, now, I realize, that definition is not even close.
Responsibility is a beautiful gift that you could ever have had in your whole life. It marks the absolute trust, the total faith, the utmost respect and unconditional belief in you, to have you in charge of this responsibility.
And when you delivered the job wonderfully and successfully, it is not satisfaction of acknowledgement and affirmation, but the fulfillment that you could love unconditionally to make sacrifices that came with responsibility...
Because love is the greatest gift you could give to anyone, and love is the most wondeful gift you could receive.
The fear and uncertainty I had felt wasn't because that I would lose my freedom for responsibility.
It was because I might let my family down, if I fail.
My family, especially mum, are now often worried that I would change and let everyone down.
I couldn't assure her, because I am uncertain too. I am afraid.
God, please give me the courage and confidence.
God, please help me.
God, please allow me to suceed.
Please God.
Thank you.
Amen.

I'm giddy with happiness because...

...*drumroll*...*cymbals* I PASSED my driving test. Hell, yeah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

To pay tribute to this such 'memorable' and 'historical' day, I decided to post a recap of  it (without the photos, unfortunately):

The standard driving test (for car only) consists of two parts, with first part comprising of driving up a small hill, side parking etc., and second part where would-be drivers drive on the road under supervision. It was nerve-racking initially, as expectations were piled on me to pass on the first go (all mine as I do NOT want to go through the same nightmare again; though, my parents were also quite hopeful). It escalated when the first few drivers failed the hill part.
I did twice and scraped through...only to have my car engine died. A few times. God was on my side, and Lady luck smiled on me...and I PASSED, PASSED, the first part.
Then came the second part. I did okay until I reached my first junction. I had to turn into the WRONG lane!!!!!!!!!!!! It was simply grosteque. *Grimace*And the instructor scat on me. Then it tuen okay until I reached a stop sign. I slowed down and then felt that it was too slow. Fearing I would stop too far from the white line, I steeped on the accelerrator a little bit...and the car went off too fast, which led to an amateur emergency brake by me, inviting another bout of reprimand. Then things went okay until on the return. Afraid that I would forget to put on the signal, I put it on immediately...except it was still a long way from the junction. The instructor whipped his head 90 degrees to me, eyes boggling, went, "Where do you think you're going, missy?!" I went meekly, "I wanted to turn in..." "Do you realise that it's STILL a long way?!" I meekly turned it off.
Shockingly, I still passed.

Phew, what a day.

Dearest Corpsie Kryptonite...

...First, I would like to apologize for my lack of acknowledgement upon your new arrival to my blog as a brand new follower! Yipeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ahem...pardon my insolence.
I am absolutely esctatic that you would deem my blog excellent enough to want to faithfully follow each of my blog posts. THANKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My appreciation and gratitude was a little late in coming (in written form only; I was really absokutely gratified and pleased the moment I saw you on my list of followers) as I have been going through some kind of emotionally overwhelming events that got me occupied and somewhat distracted...
I know it's no excuse. But, better late than never, they say. I hope you think so too.
Anyway, warmest welcome to you as the newest 'family' member!!!!!!!
At here, my blog, you are free to comment however and whatever you like, and as often as you wish...In fact, I beg you, PLEASEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE DO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Write as much as possible...I would love to learn more about you, and absolutely love your wild ideas, opinions and standings on life.
Once again, thank you for bringing joy to me. Love ya.
Finally...aloha! (as in Lilo and Stitch)

Reminiscence-When all else fails, there's hope.

Remember when I told you that I once was often shunned by other peers?
Despite the constant psychological bullying, I never failed to stop keep looking on the bright side.
I was the typical happy-go-lucky girl; nothing seemed to able dampen my spirits.
Everything always looked good to me. I was always happy and satisfied.
Though...I wonder...when has all this gone down to...?
My situation right now had improved greatly, yet I wasn't always satisfied.
I always wanted more...Probably I got what I worked for, and for a moment I felt relief and some pride, but soon, I was unsatisfied.
I wanted more.
Worse, I was often desperate, low in spirit. Like in An end...or a new beginning?
I lose hope.
Of course, once again, books brought a new understanding and teaching to me, bringing me in terms with myself.
And shockingly, that book was The Host by Stephanie Meyer.
It's true, what a man is, if there's no hope in him?
What could be left of him, if even he himself does not believe looks down on himself?
If there's no hope, no one could make it happen.
Here's something I had read somewhere: "When you believe, you're already halfway there."

Lesson no. 2 from The Host: Believe in yourself, and you can do it.

Sometimes, the unexpected happens...

Recently, our world seemed to be boiling over with the vampire craze.
Everywhere were..."Are you Team Jacob?" "We love Edward!"
Duh. You know the drill.
Of course, there's Harry Potter. But that's another story.
I didn't really like Twilight...Wait a minute...Hold it...Chill...please...
Let me finish this.
It's kinda sweet, but...halfway through Eclipse, I surrendered.
My friend (NOT me!) said it was corny. Well...I...have nightmares.
Okay, hold your laughter, please don't laugh! I just can't help it, but every time I read a book or watch a movie (especially horror movies) about vampires, I couldn't help feeling a pair of very sharp canines about to sink themselves into my sensitive and delicate neck.
Well, you get the picture.
However, true, that didn't stop me from reading Don't Let The Right One In.
So, you can see, this isn't the MAJOR SOLE reason.
Erm...HEY!..by the way, Twilight didn't gave me one. Not even a goosebump.
Truth is *Shrug* the problem with Twilight is :The love story's just too sappy. It's too unbelievable.
*Shrug* Sorry.
Top it all, the action is pretty bland...there's nothing to distract me from th eicky sweetness of love...and *sigh* love's just everywhere. You can't even get a break.
So, when I see The Host by Stephanie Meyer on the shelves in a library, I wasn't very much interested, despite the very much short intriguing narrative on the back of the book.
But...long holidays could be quite boring so I decided to give it a try.
I think you probably get it now: it was...well...fascinating.
It's still full of love, but the kind of sacrificial love that hauntingly forever etches on your mind.
"A fantastic, inventive, thoughtful, and powerful novel. The Host will keep you reading well into wee hours of night, and keep you thinking, deeply, hauntingly, well after the final word." -----Ridley Pearson, author of Killer Weekend
You know what? I did read the book until almost three in the morning, and I would have keep on to finish it if my mom was not on the 'lookout' for me.
Stephanie Meyer really did opened up my eyes for me.
Today's lesson: Don't judge the book by its cover. (Pardon the pun)
By the way, also read the Don't Let The Right One In.
It did gave me the extra goosebumps and of course the necessary aldrenaline rush.
Of course, the love story is as haunting and eerily beautiful as it could be.
They are unexpectedly awesome!

p/s. Dear ElizabethInProgress, now you get my book review!

Choices are...

...strange things?
Things that you can never understand fully.
They are like occasional gifts , of which you made up your mind, very quickly, that you wanted it, you desire it, you simply have to have it, and yet...when you have it, you can't make up your mind. Because you can only pick one. You can't have them all.
Okay, I do agree that my explanation, or rather, a very poor attempt of mine to define what choices are, are pretty confusing.
Actually, what I'm trying to say is, choices are options. They are composed of many things. Defining many: at least more than one.They are a collections of things (pardon my repititive use of the vocabulary 'things') for you to choose from, pick from...having possesion of only one from those things (sorry).
Summarising: Remember a time when your parents will give you one thing which they decide to give, and you would want others that you'd laid your eyes on and decided you want it, but you can't have it because you aren't given the choices. Then, there comes a time when your parents gave you the choices, within a budget limit of course, and you can't make up your mind which one you wanted...because you want them all.
Us as humans are pretty greedy, don't you agree?
Then...choices become easier to pick (at least for me) along the years, of which I make according to mood.
But then, they are supposed to, aren't they, as you realize those choices aren't that life-threatening or that disastrous if you don't have them all. And when you can convince yourself that it is okay to not have them all, soon you don't have that urge to have to have them all.
However, again, as time passes, choices that laid out before you grown in significance. They become factors that can change the course of your life.
I'm a Science Stream student (definition: my studies are based on Science), and this fact is soon going to be a thing of a past. I've to admit, I have some tiny uneasy qualms about it. While science does not exactly filled me up with a passionate desire, I do have a somewhat piqued interest for it. And I couldn't help questioning my choice to switch to another stream. Reasons: 1. The prospect of studying new subjects is pretty daunting to me. 2. I'm going to have to face the possibility of less spectacular results (not that my previous results were that good). 3. I'm going to study subjects that are, maybe, going to be more boring than previous subjects (though I kept telling myself this could be invalid as the opposite might occur).
But, of course, I've weighed my pros and cons, and made my decision, so further pondering is not going to shake it ( though I do hope I feel more confident than I sound).
But this is not the main point.
The main point is: next year, I'm going to have to be a lot more independent than this year. I'm going to have to learn to cook, drive, work, do my chores, and study, all juggled perfactly in an organised schedule, of which I'm afraid I'm not capable of doing.
In truth, to correct my foremost declaration, choices aren't hard to make. As you can see, I'd already made up my mind, and quite early on too.
It's the courage to carry out the chosen choice that's hard.
You'd already made the decision, picked the choice, but you don't know if you're going to make it happen. If it's going to work out as you envisioned it to be.
Still...I might be worried, but that's not going to change my mind.
Because this is my one life-changing decision. It marks the takeoff point of my flourishing and success...or the plunging point of my downfall.  
And...if I don't take up that challenge, I am sure to go for a downfall.
Putting it that way, it's not much of a risk then, and it seems so much more manageable.
I'm doing it, and I'll suceed.
I CAN, I MUST, I WILL.